god...it's been long since i posted a post..haha..pmr stress. i honestly think i wont do well..wasnt focusing well..im just so scared to dissapoint all the people that believed in me...my parents..my friends...and..oso myself.. its just kinda hard to disapoint urself..cz it hurts internally more. but keeping fingers cross to do gud? hope so..PLEASE!:)
THAT'S LEAST OF MY PROBLEMS:
my life is shit..i actually hv to thnk pmr for bein arnd to keep my mind of things..bt now dat its over and i reli hv nothing to do at home..the mind wanders..and boy does it wander alott! he's been coming over to accompany me ...but..i think we're getting too close..i should stop. but i guess i reli love the attention he gives me. but im in too deep wif dem both..so
confused..aargh..my head><
the 1st guy i fell in love since form1..and nvr let go off him till now. its true i craved for his love since the beginning..but he was in love with another..so..heartbreak for my 1st highschool crush. yay!== i remembered the day i confessed to him..he didnt reply..and i cried my eyes out..thinkin thgs wud change..but he finally replied 12 hours later and told me nt to worry..cz..ntg will ever change between us. i was so touched.
form 2...we got closer...but he was still into her. i remember askin him to be my valentine durin dat year..but got the answer...after giving up. n well it affected my bday alot==. nvm dat. but den april fools i played a prank on ppl sayin i moved to singapore. and he sat wif me by a corner and talked. i "cried" and he stood up..and offered me a hand and said..:'' u noe wat? if ur leavin..u should make the most of wat u hv left...shud be smiling and bein hapi..k?"..i gt a whole new level of respect for him..dat was the night..he told me he loved me....god..i wud nvr forgt dat day.
well..den crushes came along cz..i felt unwanted and stupid.bt turns out dat knight in shining armor was already inlove wif another. my heart nvr stopped thinkin abt the guy i respected. crushes came and go..and one tym he found out and told me dat he loved her so very much and i shud let go..my heart sank..i cried so bad. bt i guess he jz duwana hurt me.
tis year started and he claimed i like his bff. i was so annoyed and sad. n eventually i fell for tis so called bff. bt still..i reli loved TAT guy...i jz wished he would stop tinkin i like others. its like da more he says..d more it happens..cz im sick of hearin dat..so mite as well go ahead. but the bff eventually wasnt right either..and at dat moment in tym...everythg pointed str8 to TAT guy. i realised..truly he was the one.
met a close guy fren too. call em the logic advisor. lols. well...he and my dear daughter reli were der for me for a couple of months wen i was a useless wreck. well eventually dat dear daughter changed school. and my life was empty. i felt so alone...(i wasnt) but i made myself think dat way. its jz normal k?== but..the advisor wasnt der as much. i gues i push ppl away b4 they push me so it x hurt dat much. haiz. i felt so lonely...like...so far apart from others.
and den i gt close to tis guy i barely knew. and..he made me hapi. and next thg i noe..he said he was in love..with a gal. and...wow..i was reli surprised. bt we stayed close since the mid year. and..still i was in love with TAT guy. bt...the guy in love realised i was inlove and understood. but deep inside..i noe..dats still a desire.
a fight started and still hasnt end. i duno wat to do. i spend wayyyy to much time wif the guy in love. oni cause he's so sweet and cares soo much. and jz gives me the attention i wan. ppl question me do i love em..hmm maybe i do..maybe i dont. bt..i myself cant answer wen i ask my heart. maybe the bond is grown..but i think i cn let go..bt..sometimes..i just cant..
the two havent talked and i feel like an idiot. i reli feel so helpless with dem. i cant be in the same room wif dem both in it. TAT guy...i hurt him..cz he doesnt tink i love em anymore. and the guy in love czi cn return his love. its jz...no matter wat i do..one gets hurt. i reli duno wat to do. im so pathetic...bloggin at the wee hours of the day..crying..listenin to emo songs...and writing a blog noone reads..yay for me.im jz so sori..and i hv no idea wat to do. i hurt dem both..and now..ders nothin i cn do enuf to fix it.
gawd..YT i nid u. i miss u sooooo much. being der for me...talkin to me wen i wana cry...its been 6 months..n dat day u said ur less stress in ur skul nw..i guess cz im nt der..so i dun hurt u dat much..well..im damn freakin glas ur hapi. cz..u've deserve hapiness.. i jz miss the gal bein by my side..and yet..i x treat u d way i surpose to...im so sori. bt i noe sori doesnt cut it. and the past is the past. bt god..life goes by everyday..n i swear..i missed u.
being jealous of a bff cz she's closer to others and others closer to hurt. the tote of losing her...to dem..or dem to her..im jz so selfish and stupid. im so dumb...she's so perfect..and..i jz reli dun wana see her..leavin me one day...wif one of my frens...knowing i cudnt make her hapi enuf...till she needed others..or the same wif my other frens. im so jealous..so very jealous. yet i admire her. it hurts wen i see ppl sayin..'she is MINE'..or 'she is so great'..well i am nothing==..so no biggy. i gt a new fren sayin im pretty and nice...well..not gud enuf. ya nobody's perfect..but..i jz like things the old way..but hey..dats selfish..and anyway..i cant do anythg...they all closer dy..i cn jz smile n be hapi for dem all. wiipee!
i miss form1 so much. so stressfree...meetin new frens..gettin a bro..new frens..fun and laughter..and nothing else. form 2..filled with up and downs..but still memorable. form3...the school year ending soon..but...i cn say..it was a great one..gud hapi memories..as well as bad ones. but..life is like tis..if it wasnt..it wouldnt be worth living for wouldnt it? hahah. emo den positif..pms la cyys==. bt still im hurt by hurtin the ones i care for.
i need a light on things..a sign...to solve my prob dat doesnt involve hurtin others...or cutting myself. i reli reli cantt handle tis anymore. im so jealous and selfish. tis all happened cz of those flaws. i nid kauunseling. advice. help. some one to understand dat wat i did..i din mean to..and i need a shoulder to cry on...a person to noe how n wat im goin thru isnt easy.
dey both x talkin cz of me. im jealous of her cz of me. im hurtin dem cz of me. i cry cz of me. everything is me ME ME!!! wat da hell! why cant i do anythg right? im such a wreck...so useless..good for nothing. all i hope for now..is please GOD...help me...at least make others happier..and i reli hv to be more positif..bt bein the way i am...its so hard. haiz...no other stuff to say..heart broken crying and useless. dats me.
ttfn bloggie..nothing else to say...to hard to..
