i've been thinking...

well hihi bloggie...alot has happen since the last post.. well it doesnt really matter cause well...noone actually reads anymore. well its a good thing though..i can rant all i want about how sucky everything's goin lately...hahah.

well yea..i really dont get wats goin on in my mind..its just i keep changing my mind about stuff. feelings are so confusin and i just cant decide on wat i want and be 100% sure about it. i feel as if i've disappointed so many people that i've cared about..and i just really don't know how to correct my mistakes..its just so frustrating...

i really like bruno mars and taylor swift songs lately..i feel i can relate to the songs so much. talkin to the moon...runaway...back to december...etc etc. lyrics are so meaningful lately...i wish i could put some soul into my writing whenn i write my songs or poems...but failed==...haha. but well..i just really feel so emotional despite the pms...which ended days ago..im so sensitive to everythg...dunno wat to do...really useless= =

old feelings...why cant i get rid of them? i just really duno hw to control my feelings lately...a slight presence of affection or kindness and i fall head over heels...its just..guys are so confusin wei! hahha. its like they show u signs and u tink the feel the same way about you..but you cant be sure. i really dont dare to push it like aaron asked me to. its just..i rather not hv things awkward..what if tat person doesnt feel the same way? and things change..we cant guarantee everythings go right in life..but isit worth the risk?

im so sorry for hurting the people that love me and care for me and yet i dont even take the effort to truly understand how damn lucky i am. jeremy said once that 'the chase is always better than the catch'. nicely said. i guess im never happy with what i had till i lose them. how blind of me right? hahah. i just always wake up...and think that everything's gonna be alright..but..normally its wrong. i just dunno what to think la... he posted something that day that really shows how i feel.''

I don't want to lose your friendship because of a stupid crush, I'd rather be friends forever than just a brief flame. "

so true wei what he said..i wish the world would just stop and let me tresure the moments with these people.. is telling the truth really what matter's most even though it hurts? a white lie is always my option..but lying to them is so wrong:(..i just really duno la..i hope they all know i do things for a reason..

jealous as always...i duno what signs am i getting from people. just get to jealous damn fast. i cant control it. mayb its cause she's much better than me. she's done ntg wrong to me...just..i look at her and i feel so sad..cause how could i envy her? she's really amazing..i just hope i learn to control more..

yt..i miss u so much...talkin to u on the phone that day..brought me to tears so fast...i just..wish u were always beside me..ditto..i only realise how much u meant to me when i was on the edge of losing u..and now..its too late..but i just wish to see u once..and hug u and tell u im so sorry for everythg i've done to hurt u. i cant take them back..but i just really hope u noe im here if u need anythg. wishing u a happier life than u ever had.:D

well i cant crap anymore. he's right beside me..sleeping like a pig...and even though he's so close..i feel so far..i just wish things would stay like they used to. but change..i have to accept.

ttfn readitandweep signin out

tre desole...

hatred...strong aversion..intense dislike..? however explained...i used to think..it wasnt posiblee for a human to truly hate another..and still strongly agree with that statement..but..still..being hated..is no walk in the park..

right now..i feel a mixture of emotions which really...just drives me crazy..i cant help think...'does the person really hate me that much?' 'wat have i done so bad to make the person hate me?' fine..maybe hangin up was rude and annoying..bt if that person was in my shoes..with dat situation..dey would understand....or maybe its just me..well..its always been me..hasnt it? hah.. screwed up something that makes me smile..once more. not oni causin pain to myself..but others..ass well..

i always knew it deep down..i cant didnt hv to courage to admit..bt...i always jz..keep it inside..cause at least if i dont know the exact truth..i still have the slightest hope that those words..were just a dream? stupid..and naive..i guess u cn call me that. but who hasnt felt like this before..tryin to lie to urself..makin urself feel slightly better..but when reality kicks in..its completely devastating.. and hurtful..and u feel completely stupid..for lying to yourself..and for wat? to feel better? hahaha...im such a fool arent i? nevertheless ..i have lost my faith in myself..

it hurts so bad..knowing a person dislikes you..but its worst when you are the cause of hatred between others..the guilt? the regret? sometimes..you know things would turn out badly..but you go on..cause u wana feel hapi..even for the slightest moment..but when it ends..truly..devastating ...it hurts so bad..you could seriously...feel..the pain in ur chest..your heart..mournin..and aching..with just bitter bitter regret..

i do feel angry..mad perhaps..that i've done nothing to deserve this..but maybe karma? like carmen always says..hahah..epic..bt well..life..is surpose to be like this? but...i feel as if..i cant bare to love somone..and hurt the person at the same time. sometimes goodbye..though it hurts in your heart..is the only way for destiny.. some lyrics i remember..haha..if goodbye is the only way to stop the fights..the pain..and the hurt..i gues..then..i dont have a choice...i do..but..well..we'll just see wats for the best;)..

so i really dont wana emo crap around..i'll just end with this..curiousity killed the cat..and there's nothing you cn do about it..

ttfn..readitandweep signin out

back to december

really nice song...by taylor swift:) love the lyrics....damn meanningful..


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MqAkTyprC_o

Lyrics:

I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life, tell me how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while
You've been good, busier then ever
Small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up and I know why

Cause the last time you saw me
Still burns in the back of your mind
You gave me roses and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time
Turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing that I realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December turn around and make it alright
I go back to December all the time

These days I haven't been sleeping
Staying up playing back myself pleading
When your birthday passed and I didn't call
And I think about summer all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side
Realized I loved you in the fall
Then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time
Turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing that I realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin your sweet smiles so good to me so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night
The first time you ever saw me cry
Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably my mindless dreaming
If we loved again I swear I'd love you right

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't
So if the chain is on your door I understand

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December
Turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing that I realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December turn around and make it alright
I'd go back to December turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time

All the time

CYYS<3 IMTF

just walk away....

HAVE YOU EVER
have you ever loved and lost somebody...
wishing there's a chance to say im sorry...
can't you see?
that's the way i feel about you and me baby..

have you ever felt your heart was breaking..
looking down the road you should be taking..
i should know..
because i lost the day i let you go...

-SCLUB7-

haiz...life...i officially ruined not only mine..but other's too:D i feel super duper awesome! lying with the guy that loves me? hurting the one that adores me? why do i have to cause people pain all the time? i just reli cant stand the drama goin on in life...haiz...

i just hope im doin the right thing...im doing this all only for their future..i noe it's brighter without me as the dark cloud blockin dem ...frm smiles...they say im the one making dem happier...i make dem smile more the crying..well? it still doesnt count cause..i still HURT THEM..god...im just so useles wei...haiz...

so wats my plan now? honestly i duno? i cant really go on...at all. i just hope i made the right decision doin this. its the only fair thing to do. but..i swear i never meant for things to turn out this way. i just wanted love? n to love...and to be loved? but i ruined my chances? well...as long as their heart will heal eventually..i dont think mine can...but as long as they smile. sure:D

just walking away from it all..seems like a bad idea...but it is an option. and im taking it. im really sorry to you two beloved guys. memories will be cherished:) ttfn.

IMTF<3

NEVER HAD A DREAM
i never had a dream come true...
till the day that i found you..
even though i pretend that i moved on..
you'll always be my baby..

i'd never found the words to say..
you're the ONES i think about each day..
and no matter where life takes me to..
a part of ME...will always be...with you..<3

-SCLUB7-

readitandweep signing out...hurt...

remember to >> =)

well...life's totally unfair. but well..all good things always come to an end. i have to admit..i expected something bad to happen...but..well..you're worth it;) so all we can do now is chill and hope for the best. well..i believe so...i hope you do too^^

no matter what happens i wan you to know..that things wont change unless u start to doubt. so please dont! happy memories will always stay in your brain and your heart...and well..im always with you..and you're always with me..:)

thank you for all the happy memories..and god bless you..have a happy good life;) i want you to smile always and live like there's no tomorro!^^ promise?
p.s. nobody can make me smile like YOU do;)...<3

IMTF=3

should've said no~

god...it's been long since i posted a post..haha..pmr stress. i honestly think i wont do well..wasnt focusing well..im just so scared to dissapoint all the people that believed in me...my parents..my friends...and..oso myself.. its just kinda hard to disapoint urself..cz it hurts internally more. but keeping fingers cross to do gud? hope so..PLEASE!:)

THAT'S LEAST OF MY PROBLEMS:

my life is shit..i actually hv to thnk pmr for bein arnd to keep my mind of things..bt now dat its over and i reli hv nothing to do at home..the mind wanders..and boy does it wander alott! he's been coming over to accompany me ...but..i think we're getting too close..i should stop. but i guess i reli love the attention he gives me. but im in too deep wif dem both..so
confused..aargh..my head><


the 1st guy i fell in love since form1..and nvr let go off him till now. its true i craved for his love since the beginning..but he was in love with another..so..heartbreak for my 1st highschool crush. yay!== i remembered the day i confessed to him..he didnt reply..and i cried my eyes out..thinkin thgs wud change..but he finally replied 12 hours later and told me nt to worry..cz..ntg will ever change between us. i was so touched.

form 2...we got closer...but he was still into her. i remember askin him to be my valentine durin dat year..but got the answer...after giving up. n well it affected my bday alot==. nvm dat. but den april fools i played a prank on ppl sayin i moved to singapore. and he sat wif me by a corner and talked. i "cried" and he stood up..and offered me a hand and said..:'' u noe wat? if ur leavin..u should make the most of wat u hv left...shud be smiling and bein hapi..k?"..i gt a whole new level of respect for him..dat was the night..he told me he loved me....god..i wud nvr forgt dat day.


well..den crushes came along cz..i felt unwanted and stupid.bt turns out dat knight in shining armor was already inlove wif another. my heart nvr stopped thinkin abt the guy i respected. crushes came and go..and one tym he found out and told me dat he loved her so very much and i shud let go..my heart sank..i cried so bad. bt i guess he jz duwana hurt me.

tis year started and he claimed i like his bff. i was so annoyed and sad. n eventually i fell for tis so called bff. bt still..i reli loved TAT guy...i jz wished he would stop tinkin i like others. its like da more he says..d more it happens..cz im sick of hearin dat..so mite as well go ahead. but the bff eventually wasnt right either..and at dat moment in tym...everythg pointed str8 to TAT guy. i realised..truly he was the one.


met a close guy fren too. call em the logic advisor. lols. well...he and my dear daughter reli were der for me for a couple of months wen i was a useless wreck. well eventually dat dear daughter changed school. and my life was empty. i felt so alone...(i wasnt) but i made myself think dat way. its jz normal k?== but..the advisor wasnt der as much. i gues i push ppl away b4 they push me so it x hurt dat much. haiz. i felt so lonely...like...so far apart from others.

and den i gt close to tis guy i barely knew. and..he made me hapi. and next thg i noe..he said he was in love..with a gal. and...wow..i was reli surprised. bt we stayed close since the mid year. and..still i was in love with TAT guy. bt...the guy in love realised i was inlove and understood. but deep inside..i noe..dats still a desire.


a fight started and still hasnt end. i duno wat to do. i spend wayyyy to much time wif the guy in love. oni cause he's so sweet and cares soo much. and jz gives me the attention i wan. ppl question me do i love em..hmm maybe i do..maybe i dont. bt..i myself cant answer wen i ask my heart. maybe the bond is grown..but i think i cn let go..bt..sometimes..i just cant..

the two havent talked and i feel like an idiot. i reli feel so helpless with dem. i cant be in the same room wif dem both in it. TAT guy...i hurt him..cz he doesnt tink i love em anymore. and the guy in love czi cn return his love. its jz...no matter wat i do..one gets hurt. i reli duno wat to do. im so pathetic...bloggin at the wee hours of the day..crying..listenin to emo songs...and writing a blog noone reads..yay for me.im jz so sori..and i hv no idea wat to do. i hurt dem both..and now..ders nothin i cn do enuf to fix it.

gawd..YT i nid u. i miss u sooooo much. being der for me...talkin to me wen i wana cry...its been 6 months..n dat day u said ur less stress in ur skul nw..i guess cz im nt der..so i dun hurt u dat much..well..im damn freakin glas ur hapi. cz..u've deserve hapiness.. i jz miss the gal bein by my side..and yet..i x treat u d way i surpose to...im so sori. bt i noe sori doesnt cut it. and the past is the past. bt god..life goes by everyday..n i swear..i missed u.

being jealous of a bff cz she's closer to others and others closer to hurt. the tote of losing her...to dem..or dem to her..im jz so selfish and stupid. im so dumb...she's so perfect..and..i jz reli dun wana see her..leavin me one day...wif one of my frens...knowing i cudnt make her hapi enuf...till she needed others..or the same wif my other frens. im so jealous..so very jealous. yet i admire her. it hurts wen i see ppl sayin..'she is MINE'..or 'she is so great'..well i am nothing==..so no biggy. i gt a new fren sayin im pretty and nice...well..not gud enuf. ya nobody's perfect..but..i jz like things the old way..but hey..dats selfish..and anyway..i cant do anythg...they all closer dy..i cn jz smile n be hapi for dem all. wiipee!


i miss form1 so much. so stressfree...meetin new frens..gettin a bro..new frens..fun and laughter..and nothing else. form 2..filled with up and downs..but still memorable. form3...the school year ending soon..but...i cn say..it was a great one..gud hapi memories..as well as bad ones. but..life is like tis..if it wasnt..it wouldnt be worth living for wouldnt it? hahah. emo den positif..pms la cyys==. bt still im hurt by hurtin the ones i care for.

i need a light on things..a sign...to solve my prob dat doesnt involve hurtin others...or cutting myself. i reli reli cantt handle tis anymore. im so jealous and selfish. tis all happened cz of those flaws. i nid kauunseling. advice. help. some one to understand dat wat i did..i din mean to..and i need a shoulder to cry on...a person to noe how n wat im goin thru isnt easy.

dey both x talkin cz of me. im jealous of her cz of me. im hurtin dem cz of me. i cry cz of me. everything is me ME ME!!! wat da hell! why cant i do anythg right? im such a wreck...so useless..good for nothing. all i hope for now..is please GOD...help me...at least make others happier..and i reli hv to be more positif..bt bein the way i am...its so hard. haiz...no other stuff to say..heart broken crying and useless. dats me.


ttfn bloggie..nothing else to say...to hard to..

inconsolable..i guess...

hey..bloggie..
i still wonder do people read my blog? lols. well i dont really care..because..my feelings..never mattered anyway..has it? hah..what a joke! believe wat you wana believe people...i know who i am..:)

again..staring hopelessly at my comp...looking thru fb..and all such...came across a post that made me realise how horrible of a person i really am. hurting the people that cared for me so much through thick and thin...and yet..i've disappointed everyone..i care about.

im disapointed with the enviroment i used to be in..and still am. i tote that person knew me better than that.? trust..i trusted that person..to be by my side..and yet..we're like this now..again..the truth is..i cant seem to forget the old times..and i still trust em deeply..but i do things for a reason..and if that person cant handle that fact..then i guess..there's nothing left to say..but..im dissappointed..

no comments...i really cant think straight now..uughh..but again..who does notice?
i cant stand the guilt anymore..

people around me..it seems likec i've something wrong to everyone i noe..i cant say sorry cause it really doesnt make a diff..im fed up...damn..nothing left to say==
ttfn

I STILL:)

??? said this:

rmbr
u told me
wen we are
adults
we will go our separate ways
bt then again
i did
promise u
tht
reli
i will never leave u
if i can
and
i wan u to noe
i never wan to leave u
-------------------------------

to me friends..
well.. no matter where we are...how far or how near we are..the relationship never changes..cause..you're in my heart...my thoughts...and in my life..and..wherever we are that wont change=)

i <3>:)

PAST -kkb

1st post

ça me manque de ne plus te voir

ça me manque de te parler

Je regrette les moments que j'ai passé avec toi.

Tu me manques beaucoup et je pense toujours à toi

still remember tht time , i wanted to learn french from u ? . . . .

haha . . . u taught me few words :D which is

merci beaucoup - thanks . . .

au revoir - goodbye . . .

je't adore / je't aime - i love you . . .

there are more , but i just could'nt remember ...

je veux moi vers etre aimer dernier temps . . .

i wan us to be like last time ...

elle juste jamais aller se passer ...

it just will never happen ...

parce que de jalousie , les se battre entre moi aller jamais mettre fin ...

because of jealousy , the fight between us will never end ..

n'importer quand je regarder a vous , je avoir des remords ..

whenever i look at you , i feel guilty ...

n'importer quand je ignorer vous , elle juste toucher aimer je frapper mon avoir cceur ...

whenever i ignored you , its just feel like i stab on my own heart . . .

i think thats all for today ..... duno wat i can write anymore ... au revoir :D

je't aime :D

i love you :D

toujours heureux et sourire :)

~K~

2nd post

I know i'm not a perfect friend,
You're broken heart, i've tried to mend.
Instead i made you hurt and cry,
Maybe i should say goodbye.
Would it be better for me to go?,
I asked you, and you said "No".
Why say no when i hurt you so bad,
But believe me,
you're not the only one that's sad.
I made my best friend hurt like mad,
If i left would you be glad?.
Deep in my heart,
I'll always know,
I'll love you always,
Even if i go!

I have learned that sometimes "sorry" is not enough. Sometimes you actually have to change.

Understand that no matter how many times you say you're sorry it wont wash away all the pain and hurt you caused and the tears you made me cry.

-k-

3rd post

" The stupidest mistake in life is thinking the one who hurt you the most, won't hurt you again. "

" You know somebody, and they cry for you.

They stay awake at night and dream of you.

I bet you never even know they do, but somebody's crying for you.”

" Remember me with smiles and laughs, for that's how I'll remember you.

If you can only remember me with sadness and tears, then don't remember me at all."

" I'll never says Good-Bye but only will says Nice to know you ... "

" My heart was taken by you, broken by you, and now it is in pieces because of you. "

"The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else"

"If you love me, let me know. If not, please gently let me go"

-K-

some of the stuff he said..and it perfectly how i feel now. i guess its nothing to blame him. i just must accept the fact of things and move on. damage done..i cant take it bak.. but it doesnt change the fact that he is the BEST BRO i have met.and i MISS him terribly..i hope he's smiling:)
IMTF KKB~

SLEEPWALKER~

i drew it on bamboo? the only "yay" part of this post:(


lately..life just seems like a dream... a bad dream..i keep telling myself to wake up again and again..but..it doesnt seem to work..i guess i cant really wake up from this nightmare..pinching isnt the answer for this one..

remembering the bittersweet moments of life truly are amazing..when you feel as if u are reliving them everytime you think back about those happy memories..ahhh...how i wish..the nightmare now would end..and i could soundlt fall asleep into reality..with those happy memories again..

YT..your face keeps flashing in my head over and over again...yes..i have moved on..but..do i miss you? yes..i do..very deeply! its the moments i sit alone by a corner when i think back about us..you were truly a blessing to me.. sometimes..every corner in class...i would see flashbacks of the happy memories we once shared.. the worst part was having to walk to block B...by the stairs with naresha yesterday...i felt sad immediately once i rewinded to the momment you told me..you were leaving..the most painful thing was..months before that..you told me you would never leave me..once plip told me about his departure..

i said i was more open-minded right? haha. i guess i jinx it. just when i thoughtt everything was goin on the right path...the yellow brick road to my hapiness cracked apart..and now im left hanging on the edge on one side..i can still be open minded actually..its just the problems lately leave me no choice but to think about the past..and guilt comes out frm me..haiz..im so fed up.

when N and S first fought..that was a bad sign for me. and it happened right after you left..i felt as if..life was so empty..life had no meaning anymore..i relied on dev a tad too much..and once i let go of him..it became worst. i felt so alone. so lost..so left out..YT..so dramatic arent i? haha. i cant even laugh without sighing at the same time lately.

and..J and A fought too. haiz..i feel helpless not being able to help J. but i dont wana gt in between them la. after they claim i butt in. and K wif T...haiz..i gotta say..apart from N and S..these two are by far the least expected ppl i expected to have problems. i guess when you are close to a person..you know and trust that they got your back..whereelse you dont judge the people that you arent close to. so when dat close fren doesnt reach your expectations..you get more mad than usual.

j came to me yesterday..and said something a HIM..YT...my gawd..you know my heart aches so much whenever we have problems. i totally understand when he's in a bad mood he will be emotional and all. but i really cant stand in anymore la. i didnt mean to get between him n T.. but it feels like such a waste watchin two close friends fight. i mean..i noe hw it feels..cz last time me and std 6 fren jia hui..it was plain tortue. felt betrayed? maybe dats how he feels nw.

even if i am more open minded lately..i still cant get rid of some jealously dat i had. haiz.. he doesnt even sit in tuition with me those times. i guess i wasnt there for him enough. i dont show it much dont i. i didnt show i care about you too right YT? haha..people used to say..carissa...you're such a nice person.. i can be nice..but i never choose to show my mean side..thats why they tak feel anything. but..lately..its coming ouf by itself. im raising my voice so much. i noe i must stand up for myself..but..when i do..people say i changed.

its been two weeks YT..since we fought. how dumb am i to remind him of his probs? hahah. i suck. honestly..i dont wan it to continue any longer..but..i should give him time la. its just nightmares of fightin wif my std 6 fren affected me upsr..i dont wan tis to affect pmr. its like history repeating itself. im so sick of fighting with him you know? im so fed up. the explaining..im sure he's tired of me too.

you know i've been having so many flashbacks of times with him. haiz..in mimi's house. at the padang. and even texting each other when we are just next to one another. lol. i remember ruth once told me.."carissa..i admire you and .......... so much la..you guys so close and never have anythg wrong." when she told me that..i looked at him and realised..she's so right. lols. really..the day i ask him jadi me bro..haha.i remember=)

how i wish..i really could just..escape from all this drama YT? i need you..espcially times like this..i miss you the most. i feel guilt lately..everytime i look at a person i care about. different reasons each. and the new dude dat **** me..i feel so...close to him lately. well no one else ma. and for T..J told me i made it worst. and my hear really sank. you know how much it hurts? knowing..you made someone's prob more worst? and you're the blame? haiz. that guilt..its eating me alive YT!!! HIm HIm HIM!!! im crying so often again...but the tears mean nothing anymore..they fall for the same reason again n again...i even considered cutting myself YT..how dumb right? shyam n chui yin scolded me. but i guess..shahveenah did..so why cant i?

i wan a sweet dream...or a beautiful nightmare to fill my life again. i wanna feel reality with pride and smiles holding my head up high. but all i can do it mourn and drop down in tears when i cant stand it. i cant talk to anyone..at all ting...nobody gets me..even my bff..i dont wana trouble them. shaarmila ask me why i keep caring..and should stop thinking. but you know me. he means too much to me..you all do. and there was a line i learnt.." i rather feel hurt than feel nothing at all" i agree..i wanna noe..even though it hurts me so bad.

i really need to stop it. dev told me to chill and think about it. true..it gets better..but i keep thinking about it. i still dunno the real reason why he's mad. haiz..bt..i reli x blame him dy la...normally my wrong doin. YT...if i x cut myself..wat othr way can i release the pain? i feel as if cutting myself..it doesnt even hurt..as much as i hurt inside. tears drip pass my face..like rain everynight. i try not to think about it.. but i guess if my heart wants to think about it..i should just let it be..i cant force something i cant let go of. and one last time.. IM SORRY..to HIm.

look what am i doing? talking to myself? YT...if you read this..please..I MISS you..but please don't worry. im under good hands..of some people i truly trust. i hope you're doin fine? leave a comment if you're free. miss you. cal me. TTFN...:)

(walking in the rain..cause nobody knows im crying there..)

broken open...A.L

Broken pieces, break into me
So imperfectly what you should be

I don't want you to go
Don't wanna see you back out in the cold
Air you're breathing out fills you with grey
Don't run away, find me

I know the battles of chasing the shadows of who you are babe
It doesn't matter, go on and shatter
I'm all you need Broken pieces, break into me
So imperfectly what you should be Lay here, it's safe here,
I'll let you be broken open Hide you, confide to you so we can be broken open

Let's alight in the night
We can fall away, slip out of sight
When you drop your guard
Melt it in time, so it'll try crying

I know the battles of chasing the shadows of who you are babe
It doesn't matter, go on and shatter
I'm all you need
Broken pieces, break into me
So imperfectly what you should be
Lay here, it's safe here,
I'll let you be broken open
Hide you, confide to you so we can be broken open

Broken pieces, break into me
So imperfectly what you should be
Lay here, it's safe here, I'll let you be broken open
Hide you, confide to you so we can be broken open

Lay here, it's safe here, I'll let you be broken open
Hide you, confide to you so we can be broken open

broken pieces..

total eclipse of the heart..my heart does feel like this...

life right now..can be explained with so many ways.. to much to say actually. but sometimes..certain words can describe how i feel perfectly...shorter the better right?

-THOUGHTS-

why do i have to keep being:

~confused..

~depressed..


why does life have to be filled with:

~envy..

~jealousy..

~backstabbers..

~arguements..


isnt all our frenships be filled and bonded by:

~trust..

~loyalty..

there's nothing i can do..a total blackout in my mind nw..trying to resist hurtin myself..but who gives a damn..those cuts..dun even hurt me..wat i feel now is much more worst.. all i cn hope for now is all the HURT ONES..can be hapi and fine..

ttfn..E.P.O.S:(

you say it best...when you say nothing at all..

hey bloggie..
i really dunno wats goin on with me lately.
one word to describe myself now.. CONFUSED..

a word..which i never overcame..a feeling..i never quite understood..and yet..i go thru it so many times..and know nothing about it? nothing to explain it. im a teenager...being confused will fill 90% of my days. not surprising.

so why am i confused?
cause of several reasons.

then why cant i just move on with it?
im only human.and its hard. i just cant really let go of certain stuff. and its just da way i am.

still..thats not an excuse?
yea. very true. i just really cant explain myself? its like..sometimes..i feel like..i rather not know something den to noe? cz...if i duno..at least i have some hope? even if i know its happening.. im lying to myself? haha. wat a stupid thing to do. but...people do stupid things? tellin myself a white lie..so i wouldnt get hurt.

so what if it hurts u? isnt life surpose to be filled with challenges to face? u always said dat?
so true. but..things are eazier said than done. yea..i always tell people..try...at least try. i am trying? but i guess its not enough? i duno la! its so hard sometimes..esp im so negative in life. and probs. i tote i changed..but...old habits nvr go away? im jz lying to myself..tryin to be hapi wen i x? i told my frens..nt to emo to make othrs emo? i gues. sumtyms..i do show dat i am..cz i reli wan my frens to care.

why da hell do u do that for?
i noe its wrong. but people...oni layan me more wen i emo? like ask wats wrong wif u and all those. i gues..i crave their attention cuz i x get enough..and i miss everyone terribly everytime. its so wrong...but...damn it..why am i doin this? its selfish i know.

selfish? then wats da point of being selfish? when you know its wrong!
cause ppl are better than me? and i get jealous. they x layan me cz sum1 better comes along and im nothing? ok..im wrong to tink dat way. i should mix with dem. so..i nvr been selfish. and..sumtyms..i feel da need to do so.

don't you look down at urself..a tad too much?
duhh! im not dat smart. im nt dat pretty. not interested in sports. and i afraid ppl judge me to fast? when dey dont? bt..i haten being compared to..or gt beaten by other..even wen dey dont mean to? JEALOUS person here!!! hate being judge.

stop complaining and change!
im trying? but not gud enough. i will be positive..try to be more la. its so hard...but..i know for the best i have to. i mite not do it now..but...im trying. a promise to myself? im lying again!! arrgh..i really hope i can la. no will power..must grow n gain some.==


a series of askin myself stupid ques and giving answer to myself. i already know what im doin wrong. and yet..im doin nothing? i wanna be der for frens..but i guess..i have to be der for myself..before i do for others. care for myself? ppl say im nice? n i care abt others too much? maybe im just acting..cz i dont mean trouble for them...but..as long as dey noe im der? den..im down with it. not 100% sincere..but ya...a smile cn make me hapi for a day.

must be THERE FOR FRIENDS!!...gambateh gambateh!!
forget abt da pass LET GO and MOVE ON .
praying and HOPING for the best.

a big sorry for hurting my friends so much. deepest apology...and i love you all. thank for being here when i need you all. GOD bless you all:)

ttfn..^^

damn it hurts...

here i am...looking through people's blogs..and i came across this..nt gonna mension the name.. but she's really important...reading this..i cried? lols..maybe i might be perasan...to think she's talkin abt me..bt...even if its not...i feel bad...nt being there for her.. she leavin...was a harsh painful part of my life leavin me=(..i didnt like meet her..thru other people..its like..our friendship grew by itself..since form1...3 years...surpose to be 2 years n 4 months? lols...and well..everytym i feel like crying..i tink..she's there...to lend me a shoulder..but everytime i turn to look..she aint der..smiling back at me..noone der..to teach my somthing..when im comfused. i have to admit..her departure..really made me more independant..more open minded? i gues i rely on her too much..so i thnk her for that.. so this is what she wrote..in her blog~
hey..today end of exam..no more studying ..yay..finally get to read my books(storybooks)n also play the net..lolz....but inside me theres something stirring...a bad feeling..its been one week i didnt get a call from her n everytime i try calling..no one picks up..even her house phone..its like its abondoned..i miss her..but she isnt with me ..she didnt call back..at least tell me right ...haiz..i guess tats how my life is gonna be at last...i left skul..frens forgotten bout me..guess tats me..im the one should be forgotten by them not me..im meant nothing to her actually...i always thought of her as my sis...but wad i get in return in the end?be forgotten in the end..but im not sure if she is like tat...becoz some part of me keep convincing me tat she is busy...and tat part is stronger n it won ..i listen to it...so i keep the feelings apart...and let it be forgotten...tat one week, hv been tough for me without listening to her talk bout her probs..and some nights i shed some tears be4 i go to sleep....lolz..who will believe tat i hv shed a tear for her?i thought im a strong person..but looks like im wrong..haha..i need someone to be here with me but i guess tat wish couldnt come true at all...no one is here to understand me..(i didnt mean to offend u ,ryuichi..if u r even reading this but its like the truth..i noe u get me bt still not all part of me..)no one cares for me sometimes..but some do...in my gang..im the more-listening-to-their-probs-then-telling-them-my-probs...lolz...i dunno why im like tat..maybe its becoz i dunno how to explain it to them?>.<...lolz...the feelings are getting stronger from day to day..and i cry more often then ever..this is then first time i ever cry so much in years..n jz becoz for a fren..JZ A FREN...for tat fren..i lose my strength...becoz of tat ..she is my fren..she can jus guess tat im hving a prob by jz looking at me in the eyes and she can jz see through my soul...she hv always been the one fren for me..even theres others..becoz i got her help..she helps me in everything..i still remember the time we used to have..its retarded...tat time make me sad...remembering h er to be with me..sometimes i imagine her standing beside me...but when i try touching her..she disappeared with the wind..hate this feelings..im the one who will get hurt in return..everytime its like tat..no changing..where d she go when i need her so much...feel like breaking down...i miss her so much..much more than my life...its like she stole part of my life ...=(...emoing..
thnk to dat ryuuichi...gal..for being there for her la. but..gawd...i feel horrible! and its so painful...everytime i come up the stairs at school..i look up..and remember times..when she use to stand at the corridor waiting for me..smiling..but nw...i look...nothing...NOTHING.. empty! like noone! shaarmila...sure she's here for me..but she's nt her...a tear shed..isnt worth her crying for me...i hope she gets that..she was...is and always will be my friend...even if i dont' show it..i miss her..but we both have to move on..and not dwell on the past..our memories..cant be erase..yea i can say...she was a TRUE FRIEND..and still is..THNK SYT..

ttfn;)

i can't...again..

well...not a long post yea? kinda off mood...fights between those two. don't wana say la. i cant believe she told him i was a backstabber? dat he can't trust me? and im a b? how could she? it hurts..knowing ppl tink dat way about me. haiz. what j say was so true..i should try and grow up..and be mature. be der...and dun be emo when the ppl arnd are...
anyways...gawd..i duno...y cant i ever gt the guy? its like..i let go of z. and abt him...its still der...i just cant stop la. and wel..the other him? lols...confusin. he seemed so nice and sweet and everythg. wen she told me she liked him...my heart literally sank. bt..i felt like im keeping stg frm her la..guilt again. and yea..i jz found out who he likes...awesomer...heart sank...so wat nw? it wen underground? lols...i cant stand it la. he came to me and said..i x refuse. gawd...its better if u dunno sumtyms. i..jz..need to cry..u noe? as for .... he reli sweet..bt i x reli x hv feelings for him. oni as a fren. still maybe im closer to him..and im losing another. gawd la..it hurts so much! damn y did i have to noe...haiz...tats all la..i cant stand it dy.

ttfn...:(

A friend i Made=)

so well....lately..i got closer to a few new people. and yea..i like gettin to know other ppl. so who is this lovely fren? SHYAM SUNDER JOSEPH RAJA;)...he's really a nice guy. well got to know him better lately. im just glad la...that people get me..and understand me..like him? its awesome knowing people like him..phillip..tommy..dev..zhen..kiren...and kong..are arnd...being my fren. shyam..hmm...though i dont noe him like very well yet...he seems to be a great dude. even doh i heard he likes punchin ppl..alot? ahahah. hey..nobody's perfect right? he broke his nose b4? so? lols...he has an insecurity abt it? lols. he's just really adorable la. temaning me..during my lonely nights. i just feel lucky..being able to meet him. so..if he's reading this ...i hope he knows..im always here for him. and he always has a fren in me. and i apologize if i ever hurt him. smile always shyamie=)...

so he just sent me a msg...its really aww momments..when i get this msg frm ppl=).. thnk shyam.

(shyam) says:
hhahah
okay
i won leave u
i dun wan to

cute pic eh? lols.^^

i hope i cn really be there for my frens la..like shyam..kiren and shaarmila. so many probs lately. hope they are fine. ttfn=)

I LIKE SWEET MESSAGES FROM FRIENDS=)

lols. i like copying down whatever sweet things my friends write down lately^^..im happy. hahhahaah. its really touching. but now i got closer to so many other people. im so hyper. i miss the memang close frens. thnk god..we all still talk. i miss the old times la=(..but hey..change happens, and im thankful for wat i have nw..<3 me friends...!!=)

so this is what my dear friens SHYAMIE just told me=)..btw...he's such a sweetheart. so adorable. funi la. i like chatting with him. fun guy.=)

(shyam)
Forget love... I'd rather fall in chocolate!!! XD says:
- i kno
-i tink ur the oni one i trust now?
-hahha
- i dunno hu else to trust



another person i got closer to lately was KIRENRAJ!!! hahah. my dear dungubell. he's funi all the time. call me funi names. but he's here for me..and im glad!!=)

(kiren)
TABLATRONIX says:
-u my cute hunny!!!
-and i believe u so much!
-also love u


tc you guys...love u all!^^
readitandweep signing out!

keshen's big 15 bday! 24/4/10-wangsa walk=)

so yesterday...on the 24th of april 2010. we celebrated keshen naidu's 15th bday in wangsa walk mall! lols. me and nigel were super nervoous abt it. we invited 25 guest...but camp and kampung...only 14 made it in the end. but still we had fun.=) so at 1st i was kinda bumped when ppl started to cancel on me. but hey..kong told me to just continue the plan..so i did. naresha was the 1st to reach. followed by athirah den joelle and me. next tom n phil came. i bumped into tat joon! damn he's gotten taller. well after talkin to him...all 6 of us walked to tgi fridays! and met up with ravvern. and small world...joelle's church member was working there=)
so we grabbed a long table and all 7 of us sat down. i was so nervous walkin up and down. everyone just asked me to chill! hahha. esp joelle=) the sun was shining and when it hit philip! omgeee! he was like so freakin fair. he was glowing! ahhahah. athirah made a joke..:PHILIP CULLEN THE TWIN ASIA BRO OF EDWARD CULLEN! lmao!! damn funi.
we waited and waited till i got a text saying they were here. so we thought they were coming in from the bug gate..but they didnt! damn..but luckily i saw them. so i quickly asked everyone to hold up the menu's and prem came in first. den nigel. finally bday boy. i x see keshen. so when joelle said surprised...we all revealed ourselves. keshen waas so shock! he's face was really priceless...i felt so happy. he actually ran outside! hahahah. he was like: 'f you all la..shit wei.' hahahha. so he sat down then prakkash joined us. keshen sat in the front, beside him was russell, den me, joelle, athirah, naresha then prakkash. the opposite of keshen was ravern. so on my opposite side was nigel, kong. prem, tommy, phil..and later then, josiah.
we took such a long time to order. i bet the tgif people was annoyed with us. ahaha. so everyone ordered a big portion except me and ravern. i had soup..but he only had a drink. hahah. keeshen said the soup was nice..but i disagreed. so he said: i guess this place is just to LOW CLASS for you. at the same time the waiter walk pass. we laughed like hell!kong, tom, prem and plip ordered the same burger. 1.2.3.4! go, they all started eating at the same time. it was hilarious cuz da burger was huge! i shared with joelle alfredo. yummy! and keshen gave me some of his food. and damn it! it was beef! shiiit! lols. nigel and him kept on lying. haiz. xD
finally me n joelle went to ask the tgif people wether we could surprise keshen. and they did. omgee! they made him stand on the chair and give a speech. he was to sporting! he actually did! and he was so sweet. thanking us. lol.tear='(. den we had to sing the underwater bday song. the waitress was like: did u guys remind him to bring a spare shirt? we were like: uuh..no! so she took a cup of strawberry juice and put over keshen's head. we were all expecting her to pour the drink. but it was just a joke! hahah.lucky keshen;). josiah came in just in time for this! yay! so keshen fed us cake one by one. awww! lols. after that we left with a bill...rm 412.95..damn i noe!.

next stop karaoke? lols. we had to wait for zhen. but he was shopping with his mum..hahah..so cute. so we went up to the arcade. it was okok la. so athirah played with a game for free! she jz started whackin da screen and da game started! haha. next they played bbal. it was funi cz all bbal ppl..all miss! hahah. den da balls finish. so tommy grab the bbals frm da next machine and started using! it was hilarious. rm1 for 1 game. but they did tat for 4 games=) so me and naresha decided to walk to the bowlin alley to see got place. and bad news..there wasnt=(...i told them so we walked down the escalator and to the karaoke room. and guess wat? i saw my dad==...ahahha. everyone lol like hell. well..i don't mind. used to it oledi==

so zhen arrived. and joelle convinced her mum to stay l8er. but i had to leave early too. well..i don't mind. hahha. we walked up and down lookin for the counter. finally we ordered the BIG ROOM which cos rm38. well kinda cheap, rm2.80 for each person. we made our way up to room 814! hahah. surprising..we all could fit! and got space to walk summore! hahah.

we rocked out to songs like : pokerface, (kong kept on singing "mum mum mum mum" lol) next we did afew i tk ingat. i got really hyper and started jumping on the couch with athirah during :you belong with me! (i fell. and tommy kesh nigel plip and kong were damn semangated) next we sang :my heart will go on. (kong was like everyone serious serious! and we were shouting the whole song. awesome!)suddenly a tamil song appeared. keshen sang that with athirah. we laughed like hell. songs like 'beat it', 'thriller', 'calcutta', 'love game' and 'bad romance' was awesome finally we got to hear JOSIAH and TOMMY sing :im yours (freakin hyper to see them, awesomer=).

we were screaming most of the time. zhen was soo quiet. i guess he wasnt in the mood. tommy and keshen and josiah shared a mike, while nigel kong and plip had the other. prem too. me joelle and athirah sang together. it was really an awesome 1st tym in the karaoke. keshen kept wearing the sunglasses to sing.==.

my mum called and said we had to leave. so i called up joelle and hugged keshen. i wish i could hv hugged everyone (esp him), but no time. haha. well i was sad to leave, but i knew at least keshen had fun. i sent joelle home and the awesoome b'day came to and end. texted tom and plip at night. glad they had fun. keshen actually thnk me. so touched!!=)
i never ever seen keshen like that before..he was so sporting and happy=). i really felt so good inside being able to be a part of this. thnk nigel for planning this. i felt super hyper to be able to go out with for the 1st time with josiah, tommy and also philip and athirah. hope for more times with them like this in the future.


special thanks to my lovely guest:
KESHEN NAIDU, NIGEL CHOY, KONG WOON PING, JOELLE STEVENSON, ATHIRAH ROSLAN, NARESHA KAUR CHARBRA, PHILIP TAN, TOMMY LIM, JOSIAH NG, RUSSELL CHOY, PRAKKASH PARAM, RAVERN TIEW AND PREM SANDIRAN=).
you guys rocked my world. i <3 you all for coming to keshen's bday. thnk. peace out! happy birthday again kesh!=)


read it and weep signin out happily!^^