you say it best...when you say nothing at all..

hey bloggie..
i really dunno wats goin on with me lately.
one word to describe myself now.. CONFUSED..

a word..which i never overcame..a feeling..i never quite understood..and yet..i go thru it so many times..and know nothing about it? nothing to explain it. im a teenager...being confused will fill 90% of my days. not surprising.

so why am i confused?
cause of several reasons.

then why cant i just move on with it?
im only human.and its hard. i just cant really let go of certain stuff. and its just da way i am.

still..thats not an excuse?
yea. very true. i just really cant explain myself? its like..sometimes..i feel like..i rather not know something den to noe? cz...if i duno..at least i have some hope? even if i know its happening.. im lying to myself? haha. wat a stupid thing to do. but...people do stupid things? tellin myself a white lie..so i wouldnt get hurt.

so what if it hurts u? isnt life surpose to be filled with challenges to face? u always said dat?
so true. but..things are eazier said than done. yea..i always tell people..try...at least try. i am trying? but i guess its not enough? i duno la! its so hard sometimes..esp im so negative in life. and probs. i tote i changed..but...old habits nvr go away? im jz lying to myself..tryin to be hapi wen i x? i told my frens..nt to emo to make othrs emo? i gues. sumtyms..i do show dat i am..cz i reli wan my frens to care.

why da hell do u do that for?
i noe its wrong. but people...oni layan me more wen i emo? like ask wats wrong wif u and all those. i gues..i crave their attention cuz i x get enough..and i miss everyone terribly everytime. its so wrong...but...damn it..why am i doin this? its selfish i know.

selfish? then wats da point of being selfish? when you know its wrong!
cause ppl are better than me? and i get jealous. they x layan me cz sum1 better comes along and im nothing? ok..im wrong to tink dat way. i should mix with dem. so..i nvr been selfish. and..sumtyms..i feel da need to do so.

don't you look down at urself..a tad too much?
duhh! im not dat smart. im nt dat pretty. not interested in sports. and i afraid ppl judge me to fast? when dey dont? bt..i haten being compared to..or gt beaten by other..even wen dey dont mean to? JEALOUS person here!!! hate being judge.

stop complaining and change!
im trying? but not gud enough. i will be positive..try to be more la. its so hard...but..i know for the best i have to. i mite not do it now..but...im trying. a promise to myself? im lying again!! arrgh..i really hope i can la. no will power..must grow n gain some.==


a series of askin myself stupid ques and giving answer to myself. i already know what im doin wrong. and yet..im doin nothing? i wanna be der for frens..but i guess..i have to be der for myself..before i do for others. care for myself? ppl say im nice? n i care abt others too much? maybe im just acting..cz i dont mean trouble for them...but..as long as dey noe im der? den..im down with it. not 100% sincere..but ya...a smile cn make me hapi for a day.

must be THERE FOR FRIENDS!!...gambateh gambateh!!
forget abt da pass LET GO and MOVE ON .
praying and HOPING for the best.

a big sorry for hurting my friends so much. deepest apology...and i love you all. thank for being here when i need you all. GOD bless you all:)

ttfn..^^

damn it hurts...

here i am...looking through people's blogs..and i came across this..nt gonna mension the name.. but she's really important...reading this..i cried? lols..maybe i might be perasan...to think she's talkin abt me..bt...even if its not...i feel bad...nt being there for her.. she leavin...was a harsh painful part of my life leavin me=(..i didnt like meet her..thru other people..its like..our friendship grew by itself..since form1...3 years...surpose to be 2 years n 4 months? lols...and well..everytym i feel like crying..i tink..she's there...to lend me a shoulder..but everytime i turn to look..she aint der..smiling back at me..noone der..to teach my somthing..when im comfused. i have to admit..her departure..really made me more independant..more open minded? i gues i rely on her too much..so i thnk her for that.. so this is what she wrote..in her blog~
hey..today end of exam..no more studying ..yay..finally get to read my books(storybooks)n also play the net..lolz....but inside me theres something stirring...a bad feeling..its been one week i didnt get a call from her n everytime i try calling..no one picks up..even her house phone..its like its abondoned..i miss her..but she isnt with me ..she didnt call back..at least tell me right ...haiz..i guess tats how my life is gonna be at last...i left skul..frens forgotten bout me..guess tats me..im the one should be forgotten by them not me..im meant nothing to her actually...i always thought of her as my sis...but wad i get in return in the end?be forgotten in the end..but im not sure if she is like tat...becoz some part of me keep convincing me tat she is busy...and tat part is stronger n it won ..i listen to it...so i keep the feelings apart...and let it be forgotten...tat one week, hv been tough for me without listening to her talk bout her probs..and some nights i shed some tears be4 i go to sleep....lolz..who will believe tat i hv shed a tear for her?i thought im a strong person..but looks like im wrong..haha..i need someone to be here with me but i guess tat wish couldnt come true at all...no one is here to understand me..(i didnt mean to offend u ,ryuichi..if u r even reading this but its like the truth..i noe u get me bt still not all part of me..)no one cares for me sometimes..but some do...in my gang..im the more-listening-to-their-probs-then-telling-them-my-probs...lolz...i dunno why im like tat..maybe its becoz i dunno how to explain it to them?>.<...lolz...the feelings are getting stronger from day to day..and i cry more often then ever..this is then first time i ever cry so much in years..n jz becoz for a fren..JZ A FREN...for tat fren..i lose my strength...becoz of tat ..she is my fren..she can jus guess tat im hving a prob by jz looking at me in the eyes and she can jz see through my soul...she hv always been the one fren for me..even theres others..becoz i got her help..she helps me in everything..i still remember the time we used to have..its retarded...tat time make me sad...remembering h er to be with me..sometimes i imagine her standing beside me...but when i try touching her..she disappeared with the wind..hate this feelings..im the one who will get hurt in return..everytime its like tat..no changing..where d she go when i need her so much...feel like breaking down...i miss her so much..much more than my life...its like she stole part of my life ...=(...emoing..
thnk to dat ryuuichi...gal..for being there for her la. but..gawd...i feel horrible! and its so painful...everytime i come up the stairs at school..i look up..and remember times..when she use to stand at the corridor waiting for me..smiling..but nw...i look...nothing...NOTHING.. empty! like noone! shaarmila...sure she's here for me..but she's nt her...a tear shed..isnt worth her crying for me...i hope she gets that..she was...is and always will be my friend...even if i dont' show it..i miss her..but we both have to move on..and not dwell on the past..our memories..cant be erase..yea i can say...she was a TRUE FRIEND..and still is..THNK SYT..

ttfn;)