should've said no~

god...it's been long since i posted a post..haha..pmr stress. i honestly think i wont do well..wasnt focusing well..im just so scared to dissapoint all the people that believed in me...my parents..my friends...and..oso myself.. its just kinda hard to disapoint urself..cz it hurts internally more. but keeping fingers cross to do gud? hope so..PLEASE!:)

THAT'S LEAST OF MY PROBLEMS:

my life is shit..i actually hv to thnk pmr for bein arnd to keep my mind of things..bt now dat its over and i reli hv nothing to do at home..the mind wanders..and boy does it wander alott! he's been coming over to accompany me ...but..i think we're getting too close..i should stop. but i guess i reli love the attention he gives me. but im in too deep wif dem both..so
confused..aargh..my head><


the 1st guy i fell in love since form1..and nvr let go off him till now. its true i craved for his love since the beginning..but he was in love with another..so..heartbreak for my 1st highschool crush. yay!== i remembered the day i confessed to him..he didnt reply..and i cried my eyes out..thinkin thgs wud change..but he finally replied 12 hours later and told me nt to worry..cz..ntg will ever change between us. i was so touched.

form 2...we got closer...but he was still into her. i remember askin him to be my valentine durin dat year..but got the answer...after giving up. n well it affected my bday alot==. nvm dat. but den april fools i played a prank on ppl sayin i moved to singapore. and he sat wif me by a corner and talked. i "cried" and he stood up..and offered me a hand and said..:'' u noe wat? if ur leavin..u should make the most of wat u hv left...shud be smiling and bein hapi..k?"..i gt a whole new level of respect for him..dat was the night..he told me he loved me....god..i wud nvr forgt dat day.


well..den crushes came along cz..i felt unwanted and stupid.bt turns out dat knight in shining armor was already inlove wif another. my heart nvr stopped thinkin abt the guy i respected. crushes came and go..and one tym he found out and told me dat he loved her so very much and i shud let go..my heart sank..i cried so bad. bt i guess he jz duwana hurt me.

tis year started and he claimed i like his bff. i was so annoyed and sad. n eventually i fell for tis so called bff. bt still..i reli loved TAT guy...i jz wished he would stop tinkin i like others. its like da more he says..d more it happens..cz im sick of hearin dat..so mite as well go ahead. but the bff eventually wasnt right either..and at dat moment in tym...everythg pointed str8 to TAT guy. i realised..truly he was the one.


met a close guy fren too. call em the logic advisor. lols. well...he and my dear daughter reli were der for me for a couple of months wen i was a useless wreck. well eventually dat dear daughter changed school. and my life was empty. i felt so alone...(i wasnt) but i made myself think dat way. its jz normal k?== but..the advisor wasnt der as much. i gues i push ppl away b4 they push me so it x hurt dat much. haiz. i felt so lonely...like...so far apart from others.

and den i gt close to tis guy i barely knew. and..he made me hapi. and next thg i noe..he said he was in love..with a gal. and...wow..i was reli surprised. bt we stayed close since the mid year. and..still i was in love with TAT guy. bt...the guy in love realised i was inlove and understood. but deep inside..i noe..dats still a desire.


a fight started and still hasnt end. i duno wat to do. i spend wayyyy to much time wif the guy in love. oni cause he's so sweet and cares soo much. and jz gives me the attention i wan. ppl question me do i love em..hmm maybe i do..maybe i dont. bt..i myself cant answer wen i ask my heart. maybe the bond is grown..but i think i cn let go..bt..sometimes..i just cant..

the two havent talked and i feel like an idiot. i reli feel so helpless with dem. i cant be in the same room wif dem both in it. TAT guy...i hurt him..cz he doesnt tink i love em anymore. and the guy in love czi cn return his love. its jz...no matter wat i do..one gets hurt. i reli duno wat to do. im so pathetic...bloggin at the wee hours of the day..crying..listenin to emo songs...and writing a blog noone reads..yay for me.im jz so sori..and i hv no idea wat to do. i hurt dem both..and now..ders nothin i cn do enuf to fix it.

gawd..YT i nid u. i miss u sooooo much. being der for me...talkin to me wen i wana cry...its been 6 months..n dat day u said ur less stress in ur skul nw..i guess cz im nt der..so i dun hurt u dat much..well..im damn freakin glas ur hapi. cz..u've deserve hapiness.. i jz miss the gal bein by my side..and yet..i x treat u d way i surpose to...im so sori. bt i noe sori doesnt cut it. and the past is the past. bt god..life goes by everyday..n i swear..i missed u.

being jealous of a bff cz she's closer to others and others closer to hurt. the tote of losing her...to dem..or dem to her..im jz so selfish and stupid. im so dumb...she's so perfect..and..i jz reli dun wana see her..leavin me one day...wif one of my frens...knowing i cudnt make her hapi enuf...till she needed others..or the same wif my other frens. im so jealous..so very jealous. yet i admire her. it hurts wen i see ppl sayin..'she is MINE'..or 'she is so great'..well i am nothing==..so no biggy. i gt a new fren sayin im pretty and nice...well..not gud enuf. ya nobody's perfect..but..i jz like things the old way..but hey..dats selfish..and anyway..i cant do anythg...they all closer dy..i cn jz smile n be hapi for dem all. wiipee!


i miss form1 so much. so stressfree...meetin new frens..gettin a bro..new frens..fun and laughter..and nothing else. form 2..filled with up and downs..but still memorable. form3...the school year ending soon..but...i cn say..it was a great one..gud hapi memories..as well as bad ones. but..life is like tis..if it wasnt..it wouldnt be worth living for wouldnt it? hahah. emo den positif..pms la cyys==. bt still im hurt by hurtin the ones i care for.

i need a light on things..a sign...to solve my prob dat doesnt involve hurtin others...or cutting myself. i reli reli cantt handle tis anymore. im so jealous and selfish. tis all happened cz of those flaws. i nid kauunseling. advice. help. some one to understand dat wat i did..i din mean to..and i need a shoulder to cry on...a person to noe how n wat im goin thru isnt easy.

dey both x talkin cz of me. im jealous of her cz of me. im hurtin dem cz of me. i cry cz of me. everything is me ME ME!!! wat da hell! why cant i do anythg right? im such a wreck...so useless..good for nothing. all i hope for now..is please GOD...help me...at least make others happier..and i reli hv to be more positif..bt bein the way i am...its so hard. haiz...no other stuff to say..heart broken crying and useless. dats me.


ttfn bloggie..nothing else to say...to hard to..

inconsolable..i guess...

hey..bloggie..
i still wonder do people read my blog? lols. well i dont really care..because..my feelings..never mattered anyway..has it? hah..what a joke! believe wat you wana believe people...i know who i am..:)

again..staring hopelessly at my comp...looking thru fb..and all such...came across a post that made me realise how horrible of a person i really am. hurting the people that cared for me so much through thick and thin...and yet..i've disappointed everyone..i care about.

im disapointed with the enviroment i used to be in..and still am. i tote that person knew me better than that.? trust..i trusted that person..to be by my side..and yet..we're like this now..again..the truth is..i cant seem to forget the old times..and i still trust em deeply..but i do things for a reason..and if that person cant handle that fact..then i guess..there's nothing left to say..but..im dissappointed..

no comments...i really cant think straight now..uughh..but again..who does notice?
i cant stand the guilt anymore..

people around me..it seems likec i've something wrong to everyone i noe..i cant say sorry cause it really doesnt make a diff..im fed up...damn..nothing left to say==
ttfn

I STILL:)

??? said this:

rmbr
u told me
wen we are
adults
we will go our separate ways
bt then again
i did
promise u
tht
reli
i will never leave u
if i can
and
i wan u to noe
i never wan to leave u
-------------------------------

to me friends..
well.. no matter where we are...how far or how near we are..the relationship never changes..cause..you're in my heart...my thoughts...and in my life..and..wherever we are that wont change=)

i <3>:)

PAST -kkb

1st post

ça me manque de ne plus te voir

ça me manque de te parler

Je regrette les moments que j'ai passé avec toi.

Tu me manques beaucoup et je pense toujours à toi

still remember tht time , i wanted to learn french from u ? . . . .

haha . . . u taught me few words :D which is

merci beaucoup - thanks . . .

au revoir - goodbye . . .

je't adore / je't aime - i love you . . .

there are more , but i just could'nt remember ...

je veux moi vers etre aimer dernier temps . . .

i wan us to be like last time ...

elle juste jamais aller se passer ...

it just will never happen ...

parce que de jalousie , les se battre entre moi aller jamais mettre fin ...

because of jealousy , the fight between us will never end ..

n'importer quand je regarder a vous , je avoir des remords ..

whenever i look at you , i feel guilty ...

n'importer quand je ignorer vous , elle juste toucher aimer je frapper mon avoir cceur ...

whenever i ignored you , its just feel like i stab on my own heart . . .

i think thats all for today ..... duno wat i can write anymore ... au revoir :D

je't aime :D

i love you :D

toujours heureux et sourire :)

~K~

2nd post

I know i'm not a perfect friend,
You're broken heart, i've tried to mend.
Instead i made you hurt and cry,
Maybe i should say goodbye.
Would it be better for me to go?,
I asked you, and you said "No".
Why say no when i hurt you so bad,
But believe me,
you're not the only one that's sad.
I made my best friend hurt like mad,
If i left would you be glad?.
Deep in my heart,
I'll always know,
I'll love you always,
Even if i go!

I have learned that sometimes "sorry" is not enough. Sometimes you actually have to change.

Understand that no matter how many times you say you're sorry it wont wash away all the pain and hurt you caused and the tears you made me cry.

-k-

3rd post

" The stupidest mistake in life is thinking the one who hurt you the most, won't hurt you again. "

" You know somebody, and they cry for you.

They stay awake at night and dream of you.

I bet you never even know they do, but somebody's crying for you.”

" Remember me with smiles and laughs, for that's how I'll remember you.

If you can only remember me with sadness and tears, then don't remember me at all."

" I'll never says Good-Bye but only will says Nice to know you ... "

" My heart was taken by you, broken by you, and now it is in pieces because of you. "

"The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else"

"If you love me, let me know. If not, please gently let me go"

-K-

some of the stuff he said..and it perfectly how i feel now. i guess its nothing to blame him. i just must accept the fact of things and move on. damage done..i cant take it bak.. but it doesnt change the fact that he is the BEST BRO i have met.and i MISS him terribly..i hope he's smiling:)
IMTF KKB~

SLEEPWALKER~

i drew it on bamboo? the only "yay" part of this post:(


lately..life just seems like a dream... a bad dream..i keep telling myself to wake up again and again..but..it doesnt seem to work..i guess i cant really wake up from this nightmare..pinching isnt the answer for this one..

remembering the bittersweet moments of life truly are amazing..when you feel as if u are reliving them everytime you think back about those happy memories..ahhh...how i wish..the nightmare now would end..and i could soundlt fall asleep into reality..with those happy memories again..

YT..your face keeps flashing in my head over and over again...yes..i have moved on..but..do i miss you? yes..i do..very deeply! its the moments i sit alone by a corner when i think back about us..you were truly a blessing to me.. sometimes..every corner in class...i would see flashbacks of the happy memories we once shared.. the worst part was having to walk to block B...by the stairs with naresha yesterday...i felt sad immediately once i rewinded to the momment you told me..you were leaving..the most painful thing was..months before that..you told me you would never leave me..once plip told me about his departure..

i said i was more open-minded right? haha. i guess i jinx it. just when i thoughtt everything was goin on the right path...the yellow brick road to my hapiness cracked apart..and now im left hanging on the edge on one side..i can still be open minded actually..its just the problems lately leave me no choice but to think about the past..and guilt comes out frm me..haiz..im so fed up.

when N and S first fought..that was a bad sign for me. and it happened right after you left..i felt as if..life was so empty..life had no meaning anymore..i relied on dev a tad too much..and once i let go of him..it became worst. i felt so alone. so lost..so left out..YT..so dramatic arent i? haha. i cant even laugh without sighing at the same time lately.

and..J and A fought too. haiz..i feel helpless not being able to help J. but i dont wana gt in between them la. after they claim i butt in. and K wif T...haiz..i gotta say..apart from N and S..these two are by far the least expected ppl i expected to have problems. i guess when you are close to a person..you know and trust that they got your back..whereelse you dont judge the people that you arent close to. so when dat close fren doesnt reach your expectations..you get more mad than usual.

j came to me yesterday..and said something a HIM..YT...my gawd..you know my heart aches so much whenever we have problems. i totally understand when he's in a bad mood he will be emotional and all. but i really cant stand in anymore la. i didnt mean to get between him n T.. but it feels like such a waste watchin two close friends fight. i mean..i noe hw it feels..cz last time me and std 6 fren jia hui..it was plain tortue. felt betrayed? maybe dats how he feels nw.

even if i am more open minded lately..i still cant get rid of some jealously dat i had. haiz.. he doesnt even sit in tuition with me those times. i guess i wasnt there for him enough. i dont show it much dont i. i didnt show i care about you too right YT? haha..people used to say..carissa...you're such a nice person.. i can be nice..but i never choose to show my mean side..thats why they tak feel anything. but..lately..its coming ouf by itself. im raising my voice so much. i noe i must stand up for myself..but..when i do..people say i changed.

its been two weeks YT..since we fought. how dumb am i to remind him of his probs? hahah. i suck. honestly..i dont wan it to continue any longer..but..i should give him time la. its just nightmares of fightin wif my std 6 fren affected me upsr..i dont wan tis to affect pmr. its like history repeating itself. im so sick of fighting with him you know? im so fed up. the explaining..im sure he's tired of me too.

you know i've been having so many flashbacks of times with him. haiz..in mimi's house. at the padang. and even texting each other when we are just next to one another. lol. i remember ruth once told me.."carissa..i admire you and .......... so much la..you guys so close and never have anythg wrong." when she told me that..i looked at him and realised..she's so right. lols. really..the day i ask him jadi me bro..haha.i remember=)

how i wish..i really could just..escape from all this drama YT? i need you..espcially times like this..i miss you the most. i feel guilt lately..everytime i look at a person i care about. different reasons each. and the new dude dat **** me..i feel so...close to him lately. well no one else ma. and for T..J told me i made it worst. and my hear really sank. you know how much it hurts? knowing..you made someone's prob more worst? and you're the blame? haiz. that guilt..its eating me alive YT!!! HIm HIm HIM!!! im crying so often again...but the tears mean nothing anymore..they fall for the same reason again n again...i even considered cutting myself YT..how dumb right? shyam n chui yin scolded me. but i guess..shahveenah did..so why cant i?

i wan a sweet dream...or a beautiful nightmare to fill my life again. i wanna feel reality with pride and smiles holding my head up high. but all i can do it mourn and drop down in tears when i cant stand it. i cant talk to anyone..at all ting...nobody gets me..even my bff..i dont wana trouble them. shaarmila ask me why i keep caring..and should stop thinking. but you know me. he means too much to me..you all do. and there was a line i learnt.." i rather feel hurt than feel nothing at all" i agree..i wanna noe..even though it hurts me so bad.

i really need to stop it. dev told me to chill and think about it. true..it gets better..but i keep thinking about it. i still dunno the real reason why he's mad. haiz..bt..i reli x blame him dy la...normally my wrong doin. YT...if i x cut myself..wat othr way can i release the pain? i feel as if cutting myself..it doesnt even hurt..as much as i hurt inside. tears drip pass my face..like rain everynight. i try not to think about it.. but i guess if my heart wants to think about it..i should just let it be..i cant force something i cant let go of. and one last time.. IM SORRY..to HIm.

look what am i doing? talking to myself? YT...if you read this..please..I MISS you..but please don't worry. im under good hands..of some people i truly trust. i hope you're doin fine? leave a comment if you're free. miss you. cal me. TTFN...:)

(walking in the rain..cause nobody knows im crying there..)

broken open...A.L

Broken pieces, break into me
So imperfectly what you should be

I don't want you to go
Don't wanna see you back out in the cold
Air you're breathing out fills you with grey
Don't run away, find me

I know the battles of chasing the shadows of who you are babe
It doesn't matter, go on and shatter
I'm all you need Broken pieces, break into me
So imperfectly what you should be Lay here, it's safe here,
I'll let you be broken open Hide you, confide to you so we can be broken open

Let's alight in the night
We can fall away, slip out of sight
When you drop your guard
Melt it in time, so it'll try crying

I know the battles of chasing the shadows of who you are babe
It doesn't matter, go on and shatter
I'm all you need
Broken pieces, break into me
So imperfectly what you should be
Lay here, it's safe here,
I'll let you be broken open
Hide you, confide to you so we can be broken open

Broken pieces, break into me
So imperfectly what you should be
Lay here, it's safe here, I'll let you be broken open
Hide you, confide to you so we can be broken open

Lay here, it's safe here, I'll let you be broken open
Hide you, confide to you so we can be broken open

broken pieces..

total eclipse of the heart..my heart does feel like this...

life right now..can be explained with so many ways.. to much to say actually. but sometimes..certain words can describe how i feel perfectly...shorter the better right?

-THOUGHTS-

why do i have to keep being:

~confused..

~depressed..


why does life have to be filled with:

~envy..

~jealousy..

~backstabbers..

~arguements..


isnt all our frenships be filled and bonded by:

~trust..

~loyalty..

there's nothing i can do..a total blackout in my mind nw..trying to resist hurtin myself..but who gives a damn..those cuts..dun even hurt me..wat i feel now is much more worst.. all i cn hope for now is all the HURT ONES..can be hapi and fine..

ttfn..E.P.O.S:(