tre desole...

hatred...strong aversion..intense dislike..? however explained...i used to think..it wasnt posiblee for a human to truly hate another..and still strongly agree with that statement..but..still..being hated..is no walk in the park..

right now..i feel a mixture of emotions which really...just drives me crazy..i cant help think...'does the person really hate me that much?' 'wat have i done so bad to make the person hate me?' fine..maybe hangin up was rude and annoying..bt if that person was in my shoes..with dat situation..dey would understand....or maybe its just me..well..its always been me..hasnt it? hah.. screwed up something that makes me smile..once more. not oni causin pain to myself..but others..ass well..

i always knew it deep down..i cant didnt hv to courage to admit..bt...i always jz..keep it inside..cause at least if i dont know the exact truth..i still have the slightest hope that those words..were just a dream? stupid..and naive..i guess u cn call me that. but who hasnt felt like this before..tryin to lie to urself..makin urself feel slightly better..but when reality kicks in..its completely devastating.. and hurtful..and u feel completely stupid..for lying to yourself..and for wat? to feel better? hahaha...im such a fool arent i? nevertheless ..i have lost my faith in myself..

it hurts so bad..knowing a person dislikes you..but its worst when you are the cause of hatred between others..the guilt? the regret? sometimes..you know things would turn out badly..but you go on..cause u wana feel hapi..even for the slightest moment..but when it ends..truly..devastating ...it hurts so bad..you could seriously...feel..the pain in ur chest..your heart..mournin..and aching..with just bitter bitter regret..

i do feel angry..mad perhaps..that i've done nothing to deserve this..but maybe karma? like carmen always says..hahah..epic..bt well..life..is surpose to be like this? but...i feel as if..i cant bare to love somone..and hurt the person at the same time. sometimes goodbye..though it hurts in your heart..is the only way for destiny.. some lyrics i remember..haha..if goodbye is the only way to stop the fights..the pain..and the hurt..i gues..then..i dont have a choice...i do..but..well..we'll just see wats for the best;)..

so i really dont wana emo crap around..i'll just end with this..curiousity killed the cat..and there's nothing you cn do about it..

ttfn..readitandweep signin out

back to december

really nice song...by taylor swift:) love the lyrics....damn meanningful..


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MqAkTyprC_o

Lyrics:

I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life, tell me how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while
You've been good, busier then ever
Small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up and I know why

Cause the last time you saw me
Still burns in the back of your mind
You gave me roses and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time
Turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing that I realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December turn around and make it alright
I go back to December all the time

These days I haven't been sleeping
Staying up playing back myself pleading
When your birthday passed and I didn't call
And I think about summer all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side
Realized I loved you in the fall
Then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time
Turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing that I realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin your sweet smiles so good to me so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night
The first time you ever saw me cry
Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably my mindless dreaming
If we loved again I swear I'd love you right

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't
So if the chain is on your door I understand

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December
Turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing that I realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December turn around and make it alright
I'd go back to December turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time

All the time

CYYS<3 IMTF

just walk away....

HAVE YOU EVER
have you ever loved and lost somebody...
wishing there's a chance to say im sorry...
can't you see?
that's the way i feel about you and me baby..

have you ever felt your heart was breaking..
looking down the road you should be taking..
i should know..
because i lost the day i let you go...

-SCLUB7-

haiz...life...i officially ruined not only mine..but other's too:D i feel super duper awesome! lying with the guy that loves me? hurting the one that adores me? why do i have to cause people pain all the time? i just reli cant stand the drama goin on in life...haiz...

i just hope im doin the right thing...im doing this all only for their future..i noe it's brighter without me as the dark cloud blockin dem ...frm smiles...they say im the one making dem happier...i make dem smile more the crying..well? it still doesnt count cause..i still HURT THEM..god...im just so useles wei...haiz...

so wats my plan now? honestly i duno? i cant really go on...at all. i just hope i made the right decision doin this. its the only fair thing to do. but..i swear i never meant for things to turn out this way. i just wanted love? n to love...and to be loved? but i ruined my chances? well...as long as their heart will heal eventually..i dont think mine can...but as long as they smile. sure:D

just walking away from it all..seems like a bad idea...but it is an option. and im taking it. im really sorry to you two beloved guys. memories will be cherished:) ttfn.

IMTF<3

NEVER HAD A DREAM
i never had a dream come true...
till the day that i found you..
even though i pretend that i moved on..
you'll always be my baby..

i'd never found the words to say..
you're the ONES i think about each day..
and no matter where life takes me to..
a part of ME...will always be...with you..<3

-SCLUB7-

readitandweep signing out...hurt...

remember to >> =)

well...life's totally unfair. but well..all good things always come to an end. i have to admit..i expected something bad to happen...but..well..you're worth it;) so all we can do now is chill and hope for the best. well..i believe so...i hope you do too^^

no matter what happens i wan you to know..that things wont change unless u start to doubt. so please dont! happy memories will always stay in your brain and your heart...and well..im always with you..and you're always with me..:)

thank you for all the happy memories..and god bless you..have a happy good life;) i want you to smile always and live like there's no tomorro!^^ promise?
p.s. nobody can make me smile like YOU do;)...<3

IMTF=3

should've said no~

god...it's been long since i posted a post..haha..pmr stress. i honestly think i wont do well..wasnt focusing well..im just so scared to dissapoint all the people that believed in me...my parents..my friends...and..oso myself.. its just kinda hard to disapoint urself..cz it hurts internally more. but keeping fingers cross to do gud? hope so..PLEASE!:)

THAT'S LEAST OF MY PROBLEMS:

my life is shit..i actually hv to thnk pmr for bein arnd to keep my mind of things..bt now dat its over and i reli hv nothing to do at home..the mind wanders..and boy does it wander alott! he's been coming over to accompany me ...but..i think we're getting too close..i should stop. but i guess i reli love the attention he gives me. but im in too deep wif dem both..so
confused..aargh..my head><


the 1st guy i fell in love since form1..and nvr let go off him till now. its true i craved for his love since the beginning..but he was in love with another..so..heartbreak for my 1st highschool crush. yay!== i remembered the day i confessed to him..he didnt reply..and i cried my eyes out..thinkin thgs wud change..but he finally replied 12 hours later and told me nt to worry..cz..ntg will ever change between us. i was so touched.

form 2...we got closer...but he was still into her. i remember askin him to be my valentine durin dat year..but got the answer...after giving up. n well it affected my bday alot==. nvm dat. but den april fools i played a prank on ppl sayin i moved to singapore. and he sat wif me by a corner and talked. i "cried" and he stood up..and offered me a hand and said..:'' u noe wat? if ur leavin..u should make the most of wat u hv left...shud be smiling and bein hapi..k?"..i gt a whole new level of respect for him..dat was the night..he told me he loved me....god..i wud nvr forgt dat day.


well..den crushes came along cz..i felt unwanted and stupid.bt turns out dat knight in shining armor was already inlove wif another. my heart nvr stopped thinkin abt the guy i respected. crushes came and go..and one tym he found out and told me dat he loved her so very much and i shud let go..my heart sank..i cried so bad. bt i guess he jz duwana hurt me.

tis year started and he claimed i like his bff. i was so annoyed and sad. n eventually i fell for tis so called bff. bt still..i reli loved TAT guy...i jz wished he would stop tinkin i like others. its like da more he says..d more it happens..cz im sick of hearin dat..so mite as well go ahead. but the bff eventually wasnt right either..and at dat moment in tym...everythg pointed str8 to TAT guy. i realised..truly he was the one.


met a close guy fren too. call em the logic advisor. lols. well...he and my dear daughter reli were der for me for a couple of months wen i was a useless wreck. well eventually dat dear daughter changed school. and my life was empty. i felt so alone...(i wasnt) but i made myself think dat way. its jz normal k?== but..the advisor wasnt der as much. i gues i push ppl away b4 they push me so it x hurt dat much. haiz. i felt so lonely...like...so far apart from others.

and den i gt close to tis guy i barely knew. and..he made me hapi. and next thg i noe..he said he was in love..with a gal. and...wow..i was reli surprised. bt we stayed close since the mid year. and..still i was in love with TAT guy. bt...the guy in love realised i was inlove and understood. but deep inside..i noe..dats still a desire.


a fight started and still hasnt end. i duno wat to do. i spend wayyyy to much time wif the guy in love. oni cause he's so sweet and cares soo much. and jz gives me the attention i wan. ppl question me do i love em..hmm maybe i do..maybe i dont. bt..i myself cant answer wen i ask my heart. maybe the bond is grown..but i think i cn let go..bt..sometimes..i just cant..

the two havent talked and i feel like an idiot. i reli feel so helpless with dem. i cant be in the same room wif dem both in it. TAT guy...i hurt him..cz he doesnt tink i love em anymore. and the guy in love czi cn return his love. its jz...no matter wat i do..one gets hurt. i reli duno wat to do. im so pathetic...bloggin at the wee hours of the day..crying..listenin to emo songs...and writing a blog noone reads..yay for me.im jz so sori..and i hv no idea wat to do. i hurt dem both..and now..ders nothin i cn do enuf to fix it.

gawd..YT i nid u. i miss u sooooo much. being der for me...talkin to me wen i wana cry...its been 6 months..n dat day u said ur less stress in ur skul nw..i guess cz im nt der..so i dun hurt u dat much..well..im damn freakin glas ur hapi. cz..u've deserve hapiness.. i jz miss the gal bein by my side..and yet..i x treat u d way i surpose to...im so sori. bt i noe sori doesnt cut it. and the past is the past. bt god..life goes by everyday..n i swear..i missed u.

being jealous of a bff cz she's closer to others and others closer to hurt. the tote of losing her...to dem..or dem to her..im jz so selfish and stupid. im so dumb...she's so perfect..and..i jz reli dun wana see her..leavin me one day...wif one of my frens...knowing i cudnt make her hapi enuf...till she needed others..or the same wif my other frens. im so jealous..so very jealous. yet i admire her. it hurts wen i see ppl sayin..'she is MINE'..or 'she is so great'..well i am nothing==..so no biggy. i gt a new fren sayin im pretty and nice...well..not gud enuf. ya nobody's perfect..but..i jz like things the old way..but hey..dats selfish..and anyway..i cant do anythg...they all closer dy..i cn jz smile n be hapi for dem all. wiipee!


i miss form1 so much. so stressfree...meetin new frens..gettin a bro..new frens..fun and laughter..and nothing else. form 2..filled with up and downs..but still memorable. form3...the school year ending soon..but...i cn say..it was a great one..gud hapi memories..as well as bad ones. but..life is like tis..if it wasnt..it wouldnt be worth living for wouldnt it? hahah. emo den positif..pms la cyys==. bt still im hurt by hurtin the ones i care for.

i need a light on things..a sign...to solve my prob dat doesnt involve hurtin others...or cutting myself. i reli reli cantt handle tis anymore. im so jealous and selfish. tis all happened cz of those flaws. i nid kauunseling. advice. help. some one to understand dat wat i did..i din mean to..and i need a shoulder to cry on...a person to noe how n wat im goin thru isnt easy.

dey both x talkin cz of me. im jealous of her cz of me. im hurtin dem cz of me. i cry cz of me. everything is me ME ME!!! wat da hell! why cant i do anythg right? im such a wreck...so useless..good for nothing. all i hope for now..is please GOD...help me...at least make others happier..and i reli hv to be more positif..bt bein the way i am...its so hard. haiz...no other stuff to say..heart broken crying and useless. dats me.


ttfn bloggie..nothing else to say...to hard to..

inconsolable..i guess...

hey..bloggie..
i still wonder do people read my blog? lols. well i dont really care..because..my feelings..never mattered anyway..has it? hah..what a joke! believe wat you wana believe people...i know who i am..:)

again..staring hopelessly at my comp...looking thru fb..and all such...came across a post that made me realise how horrible of a person i really am. hurting the people that cared for me so much through thick and thin...and yet..i've disappointed everyone..i care about.

im disapointed with the enviroment i used to be in..and still am. i tote that person knew me better than that.? trust..i trusted that person..to be by my side..and yet..we're like this now..again..the truth is..i cant seem to forget the old times..and i still trust em deeply..but i do things for a reason..and if that person cant handle that fact..then i guess..there's nothing left to say..but..im dissappointed..

no comments...i really cant think straight now..uughh..but again..who does notice?
i cant stand the guilt anymore..

people around me..it seems likec i've something wrong to everyone i noe..i cant say sorry cause it really doesnt make a diff..im fed up...damn..nothing left to say==
ttfn

I STILL:)

??? said this:

rmbr
u told me
wen we are
adults
we will go our separate ways
bt then again
i did
promise u
tht
reli
i will never leave u
if i can
and
i wan u to noe
i never wan to leave u
-------------------------------

to me friends..
well.. no matter where we are...how far or how near we are..the relationship never changes..cause..you're in my heart...my thoughts...and in my life..and..wherever we are that wont change=)

i <3>:)