what if?

questions and questions all over again...imma ask myself some..and see the outcome of them....here goes..confused person asking and answering her own questions:)..

1. what if you when to methodist wesley? ans: my life would be completely different i guess. perhaps i would still have mended me and jia hui's relationship. but im sure there would still be drama. well...i always wondered to myself would it be better if i had moved there last time. but then again..i wouldnt hv the awesome friends i have now, would i? haha.

2. what if you didnt meet the people you know now? ans: oh my...i really wouldnt be able to imagine life without this people. like zhen once said.."i'd lose a part of me loosing you". i totally agree. i would never be the gal i am today..so what if there were regrets? the happy memories overpowers everything..and well..these people do make my life a heck of a joyride:)..

ok pause. this is getting worthless...i cant answer stuff that i already know...so yea..here are a couple of 'what if's' that i really wonder everyday:)

3. what if i was never born?
4. what if i was born a boy like my dad wished for? (lolsss==)
5. what if i didnt have to wear glasses at a young age?
6. what if people saw me differently..and actually take more than a second to look at me instead?
7. what if they did, would i enjoy the attention that i crave i get now?
8. what if i didnt go to the kindergarden i went to?
9. what if life be different not meeting chuiyin earlier?
10. what if i stayed in first class till i was std 6?
11. what if i did and would me and jia hui had ever fought?
12. what if that never happen and would me carmen and chuiyin be closer than we are now?
13. what if i actually got into kreatif when i was form 1 and not harmoni?
14. what if i didnt fall for *him* if i went his class?
15. what if i was inlove with another or just plain single?
16. what if i did and my relationship with all my friends were different?
17. what if i never met joelle?
18. what if i was quiet and never be social with the K people?
19. what if i never got close to keshen and nigel?
20. what if i never got close to kong?
21. what if i never got to know kong and the people after that?
22. what if i never got to know yeeting as close as i do now?
23. what if i still did...would i appreciate her as much?
24. what if i never met tommy? dev? josiah? philip?
25. what if i never met shaarmila?
26. what if i never got to know naresha and ruth and her gang?
27. what if i didnt..would i be the gal i am now?
28. what if i did meet them all?
29. what if i was in cbn?
30. what if i was ..would i get into fights with carmen and chuiyin?
31. what if i didnt fall for him when i first met him?
32. what if i didnt and my feelings for the other stuck?
33. what if i never fought with kong?
34. what if joelle and nigel stayed the same class till now?
35. what if i never got closer to philip? or dev? or zhen?
36. what if yeeting never left?
37. what if she didnt..would i be this depressed? or independant?
38. what if s & n never fought?
38. what if they never.. would my opinion on my friends have changed?
39. what if i never got close to kiren and the gang
40. what if i never went to that first try out class for prestige?
41. what if i never went for any tuition at all?
42. what if i never ask him and he never confessed to me?
43. what if i never got close to shyam?
44. what if i never got to know andrea?
45. what if i stayed loyal to one of them?
46. what if i didn't?
47. what if i took the chance with one of them?
48. what if i ended up with one of them?
49. what if i did? would it last?
50. what if i never hurt them?
51. what if i didnt..would i be happier them i am now?
52. what if i was more selfish?
53. what if i continued to lie?
54. what if i followed what my heart wanted and never gave a damn to other ppl's opinion?
55. what if i did?
56. what if? and would i be happier than i am now?
57. what if love never existed?
58. what if friendship never existed?
59. what if i never wrote this blog?
60. what if?

there are many questions in a person's life...and well...you ask yourself many things...and even though deep down sometimes...you think you know the right answer? you might be wrong. or you might be right.

would you have taken the chance on faith..and challenge yourself..even if hurt was gonna come along. and what if everything was worth it? what if it wasnt? you just cant ever be sure cant you? hahaha.

taking a leap of faith...is a option..but it isnt the only option...right now...im just looking for that other option...for my path in life...im searching..the chase is always better than the catch. lets just hope it's worth it.
readinandweep signin out:).. still confused

i've been thinking...

well hihi bloggie...alot has happen since the last post.. well it doesnt really matter cause well...noone actually reads anymore. well its a good thing though..i can rant all i want about how sucky everything's goin lately...hahah.

well yea..i really dont get wats goin on in my mind..its just i keep changing my mind about stuff. feelings are so confusin and i just cant decide on wat i want and be 100% sure about it. i feel as if i've disappointed so many people that i've cared about..and i just really don't know how to correct my mistakes..its just so frustrating...

i really like bruno mars and taylor swift songs lately..i feel i can relate to the songs so much. talkin to the moon...runaway...back to december...etc etc. lyrics are so meaningful lately...i wish i could put some soul into my writing whenn i write my songs or poems...but failed==...haha. but well..i just really feel so emotional despite the pms...which ended days ago..im so sensitive to everythg...dunno wat to do...really useless= =

old feelings...why cant i get rid of them? i just really duno hw to control my feelings lately...a slight presence of affection or kindness and i fall head over heels...its just..guys are so confusin wei! hahha. its like they show u signs and u tink the feel the same way about you..but you cant be sure. i really dont dare to push it like aaron asked me to. its just..i rather not hv things awkward..what if tat person doesnt feel the same way? and things change..we cant guarantee everythings go right in life..but isit worth the risk?

im so sorry for hurting the people that love me and care for me and yet i dont even take the effort to truly understand how damn lucky i am. jeremy said once that 'the chase is always better than the catch'. nicely said. i guess im never happy with what i had till i lose them. how blind of me right? hahah. i just always wake up...and think that everything's gonna be alright..but..normally its wrong. i just dunno what to think la... he posted something that day that really shows how i feel.''

I don't want to lose your friendship because of a stupid crush, I'd rather be friends forever than just a brief flame. "

so true wei what he said..i wish the world would just stop and let me tresure the moments with these people.. is telling the truth really what matter's most even though it hurts? a white lie is always my option..but lying to them is so wrong:(..i just really duno la..i hope they all know i do things for a reason..

jealous as always...i duno what signs am i getting from people. just get to jealous damn fast. i cant control it. mayb its cause she's much better than me. she's done ntg wrong to me...just..i look at her and i feel so sad..cause how could i envy her? she's really amazing..i just hope i learn to control more..

yt..i miss u so much...talkin to u on the phone that day..brought me to tears so fast...i just..wish u were always beside me..ditto..i only realise how much u meant to me when i was on the edge of losing u..and now..its too late..but i just wish to see u once..and hug u and tell u im so sorry for everythg i've done to hurt u. i cant take them back..but i just really hope u noe im here if u need anythg. wishing u a happier life than u ever had.:D

well i cant crap anymore. he's right beside me..sleeping like a pig...and even though he's so close..i feel so far..i just wish things would stay like they used to. but change..i have to accept.

ttfn readitandweep signin out

tre desole...

hatred...strong aversion..intense dislike..? however explained...i used to think..it wasnt posiblee for a human to truly hate another..and still strongly agree with that statement..but..still..being hated..is no walk in the park..

right now..i feel a mixture of emotions which really...just drives me crazy..i cant help think...'does the person really hate me that much?' 'wat have i done so bad to make the person hate me?' fine..maybe hangin up was rude and annoying..bt if that person was in my shoes..with dat situation..dey would understand....or maybe its just me..well..its always been me..hasnt it? hah.. screwed up something that makes me smile..once more. not oni causin pain to myself..but others..ass well..

i always knew it deep down..i cant didnt hv to courage to admit..bt...i always jz..keep it inside..cause at least if i dont know the exact truth..i still have the slightest hope that those words..were just a dream? stupid..and naive..i guess u cn call me that. but who hasnt felt like this before..tryin to lie to urself..makin urself feel slightly better..but when reality kicks in..its completely devastating.. and hurtful..and u feel completely stupid..for lying to yourself..and for wat? to feel better? hahaha...im such a fool arent i? nevertheless ..i have lost my faith in myself..

it hurts so bad..knowing a person dislikes you..but its worst when you are the cause of hatred between others..the guilt? the regret? sometimes..you know things would turn out badly..but you go on..cause u wana feel hapi..even for the slightest moment..but when it ends..truly..devastating ...it hurts so bad..you could seriously...feel..the pain in ur chest..your heart..mournin..and aching..with just bitter bitter regret..

i do feel angry..mad perhaps..that i've done nothing to deserve this..but maybe karma? like carmen always says..hahah..epic..bt well..life..is surpose to be like this? but...i feel as if..i cant bare to love somone..and hurt the person at the same time. sometimes goodbye..though it hurts in your heart..is the only way for destiny.. some lyrics i remember..haha..if goodbye is the only way to stop the fights..the pain..and the hurt..i gues..then..i dont have a choice...i do..but..well..we'll just see wats for the best;)..

so i really dont wana emo crap around..i'll just end with this..curiousity killed the cat..and there's nothing you cn do about it..

ttfn..readitandweep signin out

back to december

really nice song...by taylor swift:) love the lyrics....damn meanningful..


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MqAkTyprC_o

Lyrics:

I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life, tell me how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while
You've been good, busier then ever
Small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up and I know why

Cause the last time you saw me
Still burns in the back of your mind
You gave me roses and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time
Turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing that I realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December turn around and make it alright
I go back to December all the time

These days I haven't been sleeping
Staying up playing back myself pleading
When your birthday passed and I didn't call
And I think about summer all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side
Realized I loved you in the fall
Then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time
Turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing that I realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin your sweet smiles so good to me so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night
The first time you ever saw me cry
Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably my mindless dreaming
If we loved again I swear I'd love you right

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't
So if the chain is on your door I understand

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December
Turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing that I realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December turn around and make it alright
I'd go back to December turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time

All the time

CYYS<3 IMTF

just walk away....

HAVE YOU EVER
have you ever loved and lost somebody...
wishing there's a chance to say im sorry...
can't you see?
that's the way i feel about you and me baby..

have you ever felt your heart was breaking..
looking down the road you should be taking..
i should know..
because i lost the day i let you go...

-SCLUB7-

haiz...life...i officially ruined not only mine..but other's too:D i feel super duper awesome! lying with the guy that loves me? hurting the one that adores me? why do i have to cause people pain all the time? i just reli cant stand the drama goin on in life...haiz...

i just hope im doin the right thing...im doing this all only for their future..i noe it's brighter without me as the dark cloud blockin dem ...frm smiles...they say im the one making dem happier...i make dem smile more the crying..well? it still doesnt count cause..i still HURT THEM..god...im just so useles wei...haiz...

so wats my plan now? honestly i duno? i cant really go on...at all. i just hope i made the right decision doin this. its the only fair thing to do. but..i swear i never meant for things to turn out this way. i just wanted love? n to love...and to be loved? but i ruined my chances? well...as long as their heart will heal eventually..i dont think mine can...but as long as they smile. sure:D

just walking away from it all..seems like a bad idea...but it is an option. and im taking it. im really sorry to you two beloved guys. memories will be cherished:) ttfn.

IMTF<3

NEVER HAD A DREAM
i never had a dream come true...
till the day that i found you..
even though i pretend that i moved on..
you'll always be my baby..

i'd never found the words to say..
you're the ONES i think about each day..
and no matter where life takes me to..
a part of ME...will always be...with you..<3

-SCLUB7-

readitandweep signing out...hurt...

remember to >> =)

well...life's totally unfair. but well..all good things always come to an end. i have to admit..i expected something bad to happen...but..well..you're worth it;) so all we can do now is chill and hope for the best. well..i believe so...i hope you do too^^

no matter what happens i wan you to know..that things wont change unless u start to doubt. so please dont! happy memories will always stay in your brain and your heart...and well..im always with you..and you're always with me..:)

thank you for all the happy memories..and god bless you..have a happy good life;) i want you to smile always and live like there's no tomorro!^^ promise?
p.s. nobody can make me smile like YOU do;)...<3

IMTF=3

should've said no~

god...it's been long since i posted a post..haha..pmr stress. i honestly think i wont do well..wasnt focusing well..im just so scared to dissapoint all the people that believed in me...my parents..my friends...and..oso myself.. its just kinda hard to disapoint urself..cz it hurts internally more. but keeping fingers cross to do gud? hope so..PLEASE!:)

THAT'S LEAST OF MY PROBLEMS:

my life is shit..i actually hv to thnk pmr for bein arnd to keep my mind of things..bt now dat its over and i reli hv nothing to do at home..the mind wanders..and boy does it wander alott! he's been coming over to accompany me ...but..i think we're getting too close..i should stop. but i guess i reli love the attention he gives me. but im in too deep wif dem both..so
confused..aargh..my head><


the 1st guy i fell in love since form1..and nvr let go off him till now. its true i craved for his love since the beginning..but he was in love with another..so..heartbreak for my 1st highschool crush. yay!== i remembered the day i confessed to him..he didnt reply..and i cried my eyes out..thinkin thgs wud change..but he finally replied 12 hours later and told me nt to worry..cz..ntg will ever change between us. i was so touched.

form 2...we got closer...but he was still into her. i remember askin him to be my valentine durin dat year..but got the answer...after giving up. n well it affected my bday alot==. nvm dat. but den april fools i played a prank on ppl sayin i moved to singapore. and he sat wif me by a corner and talked. i "cried" and he stood up..and offered me a hand and said..:'' u noe wat? if ur leavin..u should make the most of wat u hv left...shud be smiling and bein hapi..k?"..i gt a whole new level of respect for him..dat was the night..he told me he loved me....god..i wud nvr forgt dat day.


well..den crushes came along cz..i felt unwanted and stupid.bt turns out dat knight in shining armor was already inlove wif another. my heart nvr stopped thinkin abt the guy i respected. crushes came and go..and one tym he found out and told me dat he loved her so very much and i shud let go..my heart sank..i cried so bad. bt i guess he jz duwana hurt me.

tis year started and he claimed i like his bff. i was so annoyed and sad. n eventually i fell for tis so called bff. bt still..i reli loved TAT guy...i jz wished he would stop tinkin i like others. its like da more he says..d more it happens..cz im sick of hearin dat..so mite as well go ahead. but the bff eventually wasnt right either..and at dat moment in tym...everythg pointed str8 to TAT guy. i realised..truly he was the one.


met a close guy fren too. call em the logic advisor. lols. well...he and my dear daughter reli were der for me for a couple of months wen i was a useless wreck. well eventually dat dear daughter changed school. and my life was empty. i felt so alone...(i wasnt) but i made myself think dat way. its jz normal k?== but..the advisor wasnt der as much. i gues i push ppl away b4 they push me so it x hurt dat much. haiz. i felt so lonely...like...so far apart from others.

and den i gt close to tis guy i barely knew. and..he made me hapi. and next thg i noe..he said he was in love..with a gal. and...wow..i was reli surprised. bt we stayed close since the mid year. and..still i was in love with TAT guy. bt...the guy in love realised i was inlove and understood. but deep inside..i noe..dats still a desire.


a fight started and still hasnt end. i duno wat to do. i spend wayyyy to much time wif the guy in love. oni cause he's so sweet and cares soo much. and jz gives me the attention i wan. ppl question me do i love em..hmm maybe i do..maybe i dont. bt..i myself cant answer wen i ask my heart. maybe the bond is grown..but i think i cn let go..bt..sometimes..i just cant..

the two havent talked and i feel like an idiot. i reli feel so helpless with dem. i cant be in the same room wif dem both in it. TAT guy...i hurt him..cz he doesnt tink i love em anymore. and the guy in love czi cn return his love. its jz...no matter wat i do..one gets hurt. i reli duno wat to do. im so pathetic...bloggin at the wee hours of the day..crying..listenin to emo songs...and writing a blog noone reads..yay for me.im jz so sori..and i hv no idea wat to do. i hurt dem both..and now..ders nothin i cn do enuf to fix it.

gawd..YT i nid u. i miss u sooooo much. being der for me...talkin to me wen i wana cry...its been 6 months..n dat day u said ur less stress in ur skul nw..i guess cz im nt der..so i dun hurt u dat much..well..im damn freakin glas ur hapi. cz..u've deserve hapiness.. i jz miss the gal bein by my side..and yet..i x treat u d way i surpose to...im so sori. bt i noe sori doesnt cut it. and the past is the past. bt god..life goes by everyday..n i swear..i missed u.

being jealous of a bff cz she's closer to others and others closer to hurt. the tote of losing her...to dem..or dem to her..im jz so selfish and stupid. im so dumb...she's so perfect..and..i jz reli dun wana see her..leavin me one day...wif one of my frens...knowing i cudnt make her hapi enuf...till she needed others..or the same wif my other frens. im so jealous..so very jealous. yet i admire her. it hurts wen i see ppl sayin..'she is MINE'..or 'she is so great'..well i am nothing==..so no biggy. i gt a new fren sayin im pretty and nice...well..not gud enuf. ya nobody's perfect..but..i jz like things the old way..but hey..dats selfish..and anyway..i cant do anythg...they all closer dy..i cn jz smile n be hapi for dem all. wiipee!


i miss form1 so much. so stressfree...meetin new frens..gettin a bro..new frens..fun and laughter..and nothing else. form 2..filled with up and downs..but still memorable. form3...the school year ending soon..but...i cn say..it was a great one..gud hapi memories..as well as bad ones. but..life is like tis..if it wasnt..it wouldnt be worth living for wouldnt it? hahah. emo den positif..pms la cyys==. bt still im hurt by hurtin the ones i care for.

i need a light on things..a sign...to solve my prob dat doesnt involve hurtin others...or cutting myself. i reli reli cantt handle tis anymore. im so jealous and selfish. tis all happened cz of those flaws. i nid kauunseling. advice. help. some one to understand dat wat i did..i din mean to..and i need a shoulder to cry on...a person to noe how n wat im goin thru isnt easy.

dey both x talkin cz of me. im jealous of her cz of me. im hurtin dem cz of me. i cry cz of me. everything is me ME ME!!! wat da hell! why cant i do anythg right? im such a wreck...so useless..good for nothing. all i hope for now..is please GOD...help me...at least make others happier..and i reli hv to be more positif..bt bein the way i am...its so hard. haiz...no other stuff to say..heart broken crying and useless. dats me.


ttfn bloggie..nothing else to say...to hard to..