bits a pieces of my heart :(

you're leaving me today...and i cant call of reach you for maybe a week. hahaha...well..we've tahan not seeing each other for a month before right? im such a baby...sorry. hope you have a safe trip and have loads of fun:) will miss ya! and yes..i mean it==

its freakin 3am in the morning! wat am i doin here! talkin to zhen just gave me a slight sense of relief. and hving chuiyin care for me was the best:) am i okay she asks? sorry dear if you're readin this..i lied. haha. but dont people always? a white lie is better than hurtin others or makin them worried about you. so i guess why not. i post on fb that im emo..but when ppl ask..i say im fine. how plain stupid is dat?== but well..dont wana tink about crap when my life's actually pretty awesome:). i should be thankful.

gonna freestyle here and crap all the things i wan to because i can:D

come lets do another series of questioning? lame right. haiz. im so bored and lame. no lifed as they said. ahhahahah. why am i laughin..this is lame==. 1.2.3. goo!!!!!

why am i so caught up in making things right with everyone?
why do i give a damn to a thing everybody says?
why is it so awkward to talk to her?
isit because she talked behind my back when i trusted her ?
or isit just me?
why cant i accept the fact i cant have everything i wan?
why do i have to be so selfish?
isit the right thing?
or wrong thing?
why do i have to choose?
why do i think so much about you?
why do i still think about you?
and why dont i think more about you?
why do i feel so guilty?
why cant i just be heartless and mean?
why did i even say that? ==
what do you mean when you say 'i love you'?
do i perasan too much?
am i just craving for attention?
or am i just an emo wreck?
why do i like icecream but never eat it anymore?
what kind of a question is that? -.-
why do i miss you when im not suppose to?
why don't i miss you when im suppose to?
did i really hurt you?
do you know that you've hurt me too?
will you all ever forgive me truly?
why do i envy you?
why do i get jealous ?
why do i have to bring everyone down when i can prevent it all?
isnt it stupid and foolish?
why cant i just move on?
why cant i just appreciate all i have?
why ow why?

i really wonder do i need a huge slap on the face telling me..: HEY YOU ASS! WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE! REALITY SUXS! And yours is not bad at all..why cant you just deal with all you have before its too late.

why cant i insert that and store it permanently in my thick stubborn skull?

tc..ttfn..CONFUSED AND GUILTY AS EVER..

dedicated to a certain someone...( you're the best)

i wrote this months ago...i know..but..well..i read it again..and i hope you see this..cause i mean every word i say. it might not be much..but its how i really feel. :) enjoy!!

~STILL THERE FOR YOU~

i came into this place, the morning of my very first day,
sitting there all alone. try to stay out of everybody's way.
you came to me with a smile on your face,
our friendship started and my heart started to race.
don't you see how much you mean to me?
girl, i got your back, and you've got mine.
it took me some time to really see,
you're one of a kind and know that you have a friend in me.
now even though faith separated us apart,
you were there for me, and now from the bottom of my heart,
now please know, that i'm still here for you.
we had our laughs, we had our tears,
everyday was a dream come true to me,
we got distant and your cries i never heard.
a picture to burn in my head, i just let you be.
we regained our bond throughout time,
i thought noone was here, except you.
a shoulder to cry onn, life was hard like 'the climb'.
my tears rolled down like rain that day,
when i heard what you had to say.
your departure was hard to accept.
but even though we're separated miles and miles,
no matter how, i can't forget your smile.
now all i hope for is that you're happy and okay,
and i'm still here for you, forever and always:D

SYT...i miss you..and i hope you're smiling:D
p.s. im not les xD

SKY HIGH:D

i just got an obsession over blue skies...and puffy clouds...so to satisfy my craving..imma share some of my recent and old pictures that i took :D...and edited..ENJOY^^

a sunset right before my eyes...
the bright blazing sun...shining above the clouds..which looks like a calm ocean..

sun shining brightly spreading its glory and reflection onto the riverbank of london..

gateway to a world beyond belief><

everything in nature is simply breathtaking ...i really need to learn to appreciate how beautiful is really is before i dont get a chance to in the future..

i love you mother nature..<3

my favourite picture of all..im so proud of myself!!xD

footsteps in the sky gliding pass me. this is is obviously edited...but i just made it darker and sharper...love the quote there...:)

that's all for now...ttfn..^^

readitandweep signing off

DILEMMA =S

hahahhahah...i finally learnt how to spell dilemma properly==..so lame right? all thanks to Jeremy:D..weeee:D...ahahhahah...why am i laughin? so lame wei==...haiz..back to my reason of why im posting this post..
update baby:D...i found out more stuff which i shouldnt have found out today...yay...curiousity always kills the cat..in this case...the cat is me...my feelings? haiz. i dunno. things are so weird. after chatting i thought i would feel a sense of relief...bt i feel much worst than before. stupid me><..
i smell another fight with him...i really do. i dunno isit a tradition or just badluck...something i do..always cause us to fight. haiz. wtf man==..why does it always have to be this freakin way? why cant everything just cool down..and be alright? i just..haiz...no words to say:(
regret...do i? yea..of how early was mine. out of all the people...im the most surprise of myself? i dunno...it just happened. and well...i don't blame anyone for it though..i just feel like...it was wrong..but well...what can i do? its done. i bet i hurt alot of people...haha...im a heartbreaker aren't i? figures...:(
im having the time of the month again..and my moodswings are driving me nuts! i cant stand it..one second im happy...the next im emo..i just really...haiz..i cant blame the pms doh? maybe its just the way i am..my personality is up and down constantly? why does it have to be like that? curses==
i feel like breaking down everytime...its so shitty...like everything has to go wrong at the same time? why? why da hell must it? maybe im a tad sensitive but..really...its unfair...bt i guess its karma for my own wrong doings.. i just...really need someone that cn understand how i feel. yeeting...where are you? i need you..but i know...out of all the people..i dissapointed you the most...im so sorry:(
AAARGHHH!! PMS starting up again..im just so sorry to YOU for hurtin YOU all the time. please understand that i don't mean to..and i don't want to..but i did...so please forgive me...please...im really sorry:(...all i want is for u to smile...tc....

OLALA:D

it's not the way you see me,
now,
it's the way you let me down
i cant blieve tht it hurts this much
when i hear voice
your calling out to me
though i noe i cant be wif u
so pls dont leave
i'll jz keep some distance
i hope you see
i can never be without u
just try to see the way i see

thanks for this...you rock:)..

what if?

questions and questions all over again...imma ask myself some..and see the outcome of them....here goes..confused person asking and answering her own questions:)..

1. what if you when to methodist wesley? ans: my life would be completely different i guess. perhaps i would still have mended me and jia hui's relationship. but im sure there would still be drama. well...i always wondered to myself would it be better if i had moved there last time. but then again..i wouldnt hv the awesome friends i have now, would i? haha.

2. what if you didnt meet the people you know now? ans: oh my...i really wouldnt be able to imagine life without this people. like zhen once said.."i'd lose a part of me loosing you". i totally agree. i would never be the gal i am today..so what if there were regrets? the happy memories overpowers everything..and well..these people do make my life a heck of a joyride:)..

ok pause. this is getting worthless...i cant answer stuff that i already know...so yea..here are a couple of 'what if's' that i really wonder everyday:)

3. what if i was never born?
4. what if i was born a boy like my dad wished for? (lolsss==)
5. what if i didnt have to wear glasses at a young age?
6. what if people saw me differently..and actually take more than a second to look at me instead?
7. what if they did, would i enjoy the attention that i crave i get now?
8. what if i didnt go to the kindergarden i went to?
9. what if life be different not meeting chuiyin earlier?
10. what if i stayed in first class till i was std 6?
11. what if i did and would me and jia hui had ever fought?
12. what if that never happen and would me carmen and chuiyin be closer than we are now?
13. what if i actually got into kreatif when i was form 1 and not harmoni?
14. what if i didnt fall for *him* if i went his class?
15. what if i was inlove with another or just plain single?
16. what if i did and my relationship with all my friends were different?
17. what if i never met joelle?
18. what if i was quiet and never be social with the K people?
19. what if i never got close to keshen and nigel?
20. what if i never got close to kong?
21. what if i never got to know kong and the people after that?
22. what if i never got to know yeeting as close as i do now?
23. what if i still did...would i appreciate her as much?
24. what if i never met tommy? dev? josiah? philip?
25. what if i never met shaarmila?
26. what if i never got to know naresha and ruth and her gang?
27. what if i didnt..would i be the gal i am now?
28. what if i did meet them all?
29. what if i was in cbn?
30. what if i was ..would i get into fights with carmen and chuiyin?
31. what if i didnt fall for him when i first met him?
32. what if i didnt and my feelings for the other stuck?
33. what if i never fought with kong?
34. what if joelle and nigel stayed the same class till now?
35. what if i never got closer to philip? or dev? or zhen?
36. what if yeeting never left?
37. what if she didnt..would i be this depressed? or independant?
38. what if s & n never fought?
38. what if they never.. would my opinion on my friends have changed?
39. what if i never got close to kiren and the gang
40. what if i never went to that first try out class for prestige?
41. what if i never went for any tuition at all?
42. what if i never ask him and he never confessed to me?
43. what if i never got close to shyam?
44. what if i never got to know andrea?
45. what if i stayed loyal to one of them?
46. what if i didn't?
47. what if i took the chance with one of them?
48. what if i ended up with one of them?
49. what if i did? would it last?
50. what if i never hurt them?
51. what if i didnt..would i be happier them i am now?
52. what if i was more selfish?
53. what if i continued to lie?
54. what if i followed what my heart wanted and never gave a damn to other ppl's opinion?
55. what if i did?
56. what if? and would i be happier than i am now?
57. what if love never existed?
58. what if friendship never existed?
59. what if i never wrote this blog?
60. what if?

there are many questions in a person's life...and well...you ask yourself many things...and even though deep down sometimes...you think you know the right answer? you might be wrong. or you might be right.

would you have taken the chance on faith..and challenge yourself..even if hurt was gonna come along. and what if everything was worth it? what if it wasnt? you just cant ever be sure cant you? hahaha.

taking a leap of faith...is a option..but it isnt the only option...right now...im just looking for that other option...for my path in life...im searching..the chase is always better than the catch. lets just hope it's worth it.
readinandweep signin out:).. still confused

i've been thinking...

well hihi bloggie...alot has happen since the last post.. well it doesnt really matter cause well...noone actually reads anymore. well its a good thing though..i can rant all i want about how sucky everything's goin lately...hahah.

well yea..i really dont get wats goin on in my mind..its just i keep changing my mind about stuff. feelings are so confusin and i just cant decide on wat i want and be 100% sure about it. i feel as if i've disappointed so many people that i've cared about..and i just really don't know how to correct my mistakes..its just so frustrating...

i really like bruno mars and taylor swift songs lately..i feel i can relate to the songs so much. talkin to the moon...runaway...back to december...etc etc. lyrics are so meaningful lately...i wish i could put some soul into my writing whenn i write my songs or poems...but failed==...haha. but well..i just really feel so emotional despite the pms...which ended days ago..im so sensitive to everythg...dunno wat to do...really useless= =

old feelings...why cant i get rid of them? i just really duno hw to control my feelings lately...a slight presence of affection or kindness and i fall head over heels...its just..guys are so confusin wei! hahha. its like they show u signs and u tink the feel the same way about you..but you cant be sure. i really dont dare to push it like aaron asked me to. its just..i rather not hv things awkward..what if tat person doesnt feel the same way? and things change..we cant guarantee everythings go right in life..but isit worth the risk?

im so sorry for hurting the people that love me and care for me and yet i dont even take the effort to truly understand how damn lucky i am. jeremy said once that 'the chase is always better than the catch'. nicely said. i guess im never happy with what i had till i lose them. how blind of me right? hahah. i just always wake up...and think that everything's gonna be alright..but..normally its wrong. i just dunno what to think la... he posted something that day that really shows how i feel.''

I don't want to lose your friendship because of a stupid crush, I'd rather be friends forever than just a brief flame. "

so true wei what he said..i wish the world would just stop and let me tresure the moments with these people.. is telling the truth really what matter's most even though it hurts? a white lie is always my option..but lying to them is so wrong:(..i just really duno la..i hope they all know i do things for a reason..

jealous as always...i duno what signs am i getting from people. just get to jealous damn fast. i cant control it. mayb its cause she's much better than me. she's done ntg wrong to me...just..i look at her and i feel so sad..cause how could i envy her? she's really amazing..i just hope i learn to control more..

yt..i miss u so much...talkin to u on the phone that day..brought me to tears so fast...i just..wish u were always beside me..ditto..i only realise how much u meant to me when i was on the edge of losing u..and now..its too late..but i just wish to see u once..and hug u and tell u im so sorry for everythg i've done to hurt u. i cant take them back..but i just really hope u noe im here if u need anythg. wishing u a happier life than u ever had.:D

well i cant crap anymore. he's right beside me..sleeping like a pig...and even though he's so close..i feel so far..i just wish things would stay like they used to. but change..i have to accept.

ttfn readitandweep signin out