you say it best...when you say nothing at all..

hey bloggie..
i really dunno wats goin on with me lately.
one word to describe myself now.. CONFUSED..

a word..which i never overcame..a feeling..i never quite understood..and yet..i go thru it so many times..and know nothing about it? nothing to explain it. im a teenager...being confused will fill 90% of my days. not surprising.

so why am i confused?
cause of several reasons.

then why cant i just move on with it?
im only human.and its hard. i just cant really let go of certain stuff. and its just da way i am.

still..thats not an excuse?
yea. very true. i just really cant explain myself? its like..sometimes..i feel like..i rather not know something den to noe? cz...if i duno..at least i have some hope? even if i know its happening.. im lying to myself? haha. wat a stupid thing to do. but...people do stupid things? tellin myself a white lie..so i wouldnt get hurt.

so what if it hurts u? isnt life surpose to be filled with challenges to face? u always said dat?
so true. but..things are eazier said than done. yea..i always tell people..try...at least try. i am trying? but i guess its not enough? i duno la! its so hard sometimes..esp im so negative in life. and probs. i tote i changed..but...old habits nvr go away? im jz lying to myself..tryin to be hapi wen i x? i told my frens..nt to emo to make othrs emo? i gues. sumtyms..i do show dat i am..cz i reli wan my frens to care.

why da hell do u do that for?
i noe its wrong. but people...oni layan me more wen i emo? like ask wats wrong wif u and all those. i gues..i crave their attention cuz i x get enough..and i miss everyone terribly everytime. its so wrong...but...damn it..why am i doin this? its selfish i know.

selfish? then wats da point of being selfish? when you know its wrong!
cause ppl are better than me? and i get jealous. they x layan me cz sum1 better comes along and im nothing? ok..im wrong to tink dat way. i should mix with dem. so..i nvr been selfish. and..sumtyms..i feel da need to do so.

don't you look down at urself..a tad too much?
duhh! im not dat smart. im nt dat pretty. not interested in sports. and i afraid ppl judge me to fast? when dey dont? bt..i haten being compared to..or gt beaten by other..even wen dey dont mean to? JEALOUS person here!!! hate being judge.

stop complaining and change!
im trying? but not gud enough. i will be positive..try to be more la. its so hard...but..i know for the best i have to. i mite not do it now..but...im trying. a promise to myself? im lying again!! arrgh..i really hope i can la. no will power..must grow n gain some.==


a series of askin myself stupid ques and giving answer to myself. i already know what im doin wrong. and yet..im doin nothing? i wanna be der for frens..but i guess..i have to be der for myself..before i do for others. care for myself? ppl say im nice? n i care abt others too much? maybe im just acting..cz i dont mean trouble for them...but..as long as dey noe im der? den..im down with it. not 100% sincere..but ya...a smile cn make me hapi for a day.

must be THERE FOR FRIENDS!!...gambateh gambateh!!
forget abt da pass LET GO and MOVE ON .
praying and HOPING for the best.

a big sorry for hurting my friends so much. deepest apology...and i love you all. thank for being here when i need you all. GOD bless you all:)

ttfn..^^

damn it hurts...

here i am...looking through people's blogs..and i came across this..nt gonna mension the name.. but she's really important...reading this..i cried? lols..maybe i might be perasan...to think she's talkin abt me..bt...even if its not...i feel bad...nt being there for her.. she leavin...was a harsh painful part of my life leavin me=(..i didnt like meet her..thru other people..its like..our friendship grew by itself..since form1...3 years...surpose to be 2 years n 4 months? lols...and well..everytym i feel like crying..i tink..she's there...to lend me a shoulder..but everytime i turn to look..she aint der..smiling back at me..noone der..to teach my somthing..when im comfused. i have to admit..her departure..really made me more independant..more open minded? i gues i rely on her too much..so i thnk her for that.. so this is what she wrote..in her blog~
hey..today end of exam..no more studying ..yay..finally get to read my books(storybooks)n also play the net..lolz....but inside me theres something stirring...a bad feeling..its been one week i didnt get a call from her n everytime i try calling..no one picks up..even her house phone..its like its abondoned..i miss her..but she isnt with me ..she didnt call back..at least tell me right ...haiz..i guess tats how my life is gonna be at last...i left skul..frens forgotten bout me..guess tats me..im the one should be forgotten by them not me..im meant nothing to her actually...i always thought of her as my sis...but wad i get in return in the end?be forgotten in the end..but im not sure if she is like tat...becoz some part of me keep convincing me tat she is busy...and tat part is stronger n it won ..i listen to it...so i keep the feelings apart...and let it be forgotten...tat one week, hv been tough for me without listening to her talk bout her probs..and some nights i shed some tears be4 i go to sleep....lolz..who will believe tat i hv shed a tear for her?i thought im a strong person..but looks like im wrong..haha..i need someone to be here with me but i guess tat wish couldnt come true at all...no one is here to understand me..(i didnt mean to offend u ,ryuichi..if u r even reading this but its like the truth..i noe u get me bt still not all part of me..)no one cares for me sometimes..but some do...in my gang..im the more-listening-to-their-probs-then-telling-them-my-probs...lolz...i dunno why im like tat..maybe its becoz i dunno how to explain it to them?>.<...lolz...the feelings are getting stronger from day to day..and i cry more often then ever..this is then first time i ever cry so much in years..n jz becoz for a fren..JZ A FREN...for tat fren..i lose my strength...becoz of tat ..she is my fren..she can jus guess tat im hving a prob by jz looking at me in the eyes and she can jz see through my soul...she hv always been the one fren for me..even theres others..becoz i got her help..she helps me in everything..i still remember the time we used to have..its retarded...tat time make me sad...remembering h er to be with me..sometimes i imagine her standing beside me...but when i try touching her..she disappeared with the wind..hate this feelings..im the one who will get hurt in return..everytime its like tat..no changing..where d she go when i need her so much...feel like breaking down...i miss her so much..much more than my life...its like she stole part of my life ...=(...emoing..
thnk to dat ryuuichi...gal..for being there for her la. but..gawd...i feel horrible! and its so painful...everytime i come up the stairs at school..i look up..and remember times..when she use to stand at the corridor waiting for me..smiling..but nw...i look...nothing...NOTHING.. empty! like noone! shaarmila...sure she's here for me..but she's nt her...a tear shed..isnt worth her crying for me...i hope she gets that..she was...is and always will be my friend...even if i dont' show it..i miss her..but we both have to move on..and not dwell on the past..our memories..cant be erase..yea i can say...she was a TRUE FRIEND..and still is..THNK SYT..

ttfn;)

i can't...again..

well...not a long post yea? kinda off mood...fights between those two. don't wana say la. i cant believe she told him i was a backstabber? dat he can't trust me? and im a b? how could she? it hurts..knowing ppl tink dat way about me. haiz. what j say was so true..i should try and grow up..and be mature. be der...and dun be emo when the ppl arnd are...
anyways...gawd..i duno...y cant i ever gt the guy? its like..i let go of z. and abt him...its still der...i just cant stop la. and wel..the other him? lols...confusin. he seemed so nice and sweet and everythg. wen she told me she liked him...my heart literally sank. bt..i felt like im keeping stg frm her la..guilt again. and yea..i jz found out who he likes...awesomer...heart sank...so wat nw? it wen underground? lols...i cant stand it la. he came to me and said..i x refuse. gawd...its better if u dunno sumtyms. i..jz..need to cry..u noe? as for .... he reli sweet..bt i x reli x hv feelings for him. oni as a fren. still maybe im closer to him..and im losing another. gawd la..it hurts so much! damn y did i have to noe...haiz...tats all la..i cant stand it dy.

ttfn...:(

A friend i Made=)

so well....lately..i got closer to a few new people. and yea..i like gettin to know other ppl. so who is this lovely fren? SHYAM SUNDER JOSEPH RAJA;)...he's really a nice guy. well got to know him better lately. im just glad la...that people get me..and understand me..like him? its awesome knowing people like him..phillip..tommy..dev..zhen..kiren...and kong..are arnd...being my fren. shyam..hmm...though i dont noe him like very well yet...he seems to be a great dude. even doh i heard he likes punchin ppl..alot? ahahah. hey..nobody's perfect right? he broke his nose b4? so? lols...he has an insecurity abt it? lols. he's just really adorable la. temaning me..during my lonely nights. i just feel lucky..being able to meet him. so..if he's reading this ...i hope he knows..im always here for him. and he always has a fren in me. and i apologize if i ever hurt him. smile always shyamie=)...

so he just sent me a msg...its really aww momments..when i get this msg frm ppl=).. thnk shyam.

(shyam) says:
hhahah
okay
i won leave u
i dun wan to

cute pic eh? lols.^^

i hope i cn really be there for my frens la..like shyam..kiren and shaarmila. so many probs lately. hope they are fine. ttfn=)

I LIKE SWEET MESSAGES FROM FRIENDS=)

lols. i like copying down whatever sweet things my friends write down lately^^..im happy. hahhahaah. its really touching. but now i got closer to so many other people. im so hyper. i miss the memang close frens. thnk god..we all still talk. i miss the old times la=(..but hey..change happens, and im thankful for wat i have nw..<3 me friends...!!=)

so this is what my dear friens SHYAMIE just told me=)..btw...he's such a sweetheart. so adorable. funi la. i like chatting with him. fun guy.=)

(shyam)
Forget love... I'd rather fall in chocolate!!! XD says:
- i kno
-i tink ur the oni one i trust now?
-hahha
- i dunno hu else to trust



another person i got closer to lately was KIRENRAJ!!! hahah. my dear dungubell. he's funi all the time. call me funi names. but he's here for me..and im glad!!=)

(kiren)
TABLATRONIX says:
-u my cute hunny!!!
-and i believe u so much!
-also love u


tc you guys...love u all!^^
readitandweep signing out!

keshen's big 15 bday! 24/4/10-wangsa walk=)

so yesterday...on the 24th of april 2010. we celebrated keshen naidu's 15th bday in wangsa walk mall! lols. me and nigel were super nervoous abt it. we invited 25 guest...but camp and kampung...only 14 made it in the end. but still we had fun.=) so at 1st i was kinda bumped when ppl started to cancel on me. but hey..kong told me to just continue the plan..so i did. naresha was the 1st to reach. followed by athirah den joelle and me. next tom n phil came. i bumped into tat joon! damn he's gotten taller. well after talkin to him...all 6 of us walked to tgi fridays! and met up with ravvern. and small world...joelle's church member was working there=)
so we grabbed a long table and all 7 of us sat down. i was so nervous walkin up and down. everyone just asked me to chill! hahha. esp joelle=) the sun was shining and when it hit philip! omgeee! he was like so freakin fair. he was glowing! ahhahah. athirah made a joke..:PHILIP CULLEN THE TWIN ASIA BRO OF EDWARD CULLEN! lmao!! damn funi.
we waited and waited till i got a text saying they were here. so we thought they were coming in from the bug gate..but they didnt! damn..but luckily i saw them. so i quickly asked everyone to hold up the menu's and prem came in first. den nigel. finally bday boy. i x see keshen. so when joelle said surprised...we all revealed ourselves. keshen waas so shock! he's face was really priceless...i felt so happy. he actually ran outside! hahahah. he was like: 'f you all la..shit wei.' hahahha. so he sat down then prakkash joined us. keshen sat in the front, beside him was russell, den me, joelle, athirah, naresha then prakkash. the opposite of keshen was ravern. so on my opposite side was nigel, kong. prem, tommy, phil..and later then, josiah.
we took such a long time to order. i bet the tgif people was annoyed with us. ahaha. so everyone ordered a big portion except me and ravern. i had soup..but he only had a drink. hahah. keeshen said the soup was nice..but i disagreed. so he said: i guess this place is just to LOW CLASS for you. at the same time the waiter walk pass. we laughed like hell!kong, tom, prem and plip ordered the same burger. 1.2.3.4! go, they all started eating at the same time. it was hilarious cuz da burger was huge! i shared with joelle alfredo. yummy! and keshen gave me some of his food. and damn it! it was beef! shiiit! lols. nigel and him kept on lying. haiz. xD
finally me n joelle went to ask the tgif people wether we could surprise keshen. and they did. omgee! they made him stand on the chair and give a speech. he was to sporting! he actually did! and he was so sweet. thanking us. lol.tear='(. den we had to sing the underwater bday song. the waitress was like: did u guys remind him to bring a spare shirt? we were like: uuh..no! so she took a cup of strawberry juice and put over keshen's head. we were all expecting her to pour the drink. but it was just a joke! hahah.lucky keshen;). josiah came in just in time for this! yay! so keshen fed us cake one by one. awww! lols. after that we left with a bill...rm 412.95..damn i noe!.

next stop karaoke? lols. we had to wait for zhen. but he was shopping with his mum..hahah..so cute. so we went up to the arcade. it was okok la. so athirah played with a game for free! she jz started whackin da screen and da game started! haha. next they played bbal. it was funi cz all bbal ppl..all miss! hahah. den da balls finish. so tommy grab the bbals frm da next machine and started using! it was hilarious. rm1 for 1 game. but they did tat for 4 games=) so me and naresha decided to walk to the bowlin alley to see got place. and bad news..there wasnt=(...i told them so we walked down the escalator and to the karaoke room. and guess wat? i saw my dad==...ahahha. everyone lol like hell. well..i don't mind. used to it oledi==

so zhen arrived. and joelle convinced her mum to stay l8er. but i had to leave early too. well..i don't mind. hahha. we walked up and down lookin for the counter. finally we ordered the BIG ROOM which cos rm38. well kinda cheap, rm2.80 for each person. we made our way up to room 814! hahah. surprising..we all could fit! and got space to walk summore! hahah.

we rocked out to songs like : pokerface, (kong kept on singing "mum mum mum mum" lol) next we did afew i tk ingat. i got really hyper and started jumping on the couch with athirah during :you belong with me! (i fell. and tommy kesh nigel plip and kong were damn semangated) next we sang :my heart will go on. (kong was like everyone serious serious! and we were shouting the whole song. awesome!)suddenly a tamil song appeared. keshen sang that with athirah. we laughed like hell. songs like 'beat it', 'thriller', 'calcutta', 'love game' and 'bad romance' was awesome finally we got to hear JOSIAH and TOMMY sing :im yours (freakin hyper to see them, awesomer=).

we were screaming most of the time. zhen was soo quiet. i guess he wasnt in the mood. tommy and keshen and josiah shared a mike, while nigel kong and plip had the other. prem too. me joelle and athirah sang together. it was really an awesome 1st tym in the karaoke. keshen kept wearing the sunglasses to sing.==.

my mum called and said we had to leave. so i called up joelle and hugged keshen. i wish i could hv hugged everyone (esp him), but no time. haha. well i was sad to leave, but i knew at least keshen had fun. i sent joelle home and the awesoome b'day came to and end. texted tom and plip at night. glad they had fun. keshen actually thnk me. so touched!!=)
i never ever seen keshen like that before..he was so sporting and happy=). i really felt so good inside being able to be a part of this. thnk nigel for planning this. i felt super hyper to be able to go out with for the 1st time with josiah, tommy and also philip and athirah. hope for more times with them like this in the future.


special thanks to my lovely guest:
KESHEN NAIDU, NIGEL CHOY, KONG WOON PING, JOELLE STEVENSON, ATHIRAH ROSLAN, NARESHA KAUR CHARBRA, PHILIP TAN, TOMMY LIM, JOSIAH NG, RUSSELL CHOY, PRAKKASH PARAM, RAVERN TIEW AND PREM SANDIRAN=).
you guys rocked my world. i <3 you all for coming to keshen's bday. thnk. peace out! happy birthday again kesh!=)


read it and weep signin out happily!^^

short note=)

yeeting:
mummy..dont be sad..i promise you.. i will always smile..


phil tan says:
i wouldnt leave you :)

these to people..they promised me..and i really hope to do not break this promise..i <3 them both! i hope they take care-IMTF:)