lately..life just seems like a dream... a bad dream..i keep telling myself to wake up again and again..but..it doesnt seem to work..i guess i cant really wake up from this nightmare..pinching isnt the answer for this one..
remembering the bittersweet moments of life truly are amazing..when you feel as if u are reliving them everytime you think back about those happy memories..ahhh...how i wish..the nightmare now would end..and i could soundlt fall asleep into reality..with those happy memories again..
YT..your face keeps flashing in my head over and over again...yes..i have moved on..but..do i miss you? yes..i do..very deeply! its the moments i sit alone by a corner when i think back about us..you were truly a blessing to me.. sometimes..every corner in class...i would see flashbacks of the happy memories we once shared.. the worst part was having to walk to block B...by the stairs with naresha yesterday...i felt sad immediately once i rewinded to the momment you told me..you were leaving..the most painful thing was..months before that..you told me you would never leave me..once plip told me about his departure..
i said i was more open-minded right? haha. i guess i jinx it. just when i thoughtt everything was goin on the right path...the yellow brick road to my hapiness cracked apart..and now im left hanging on the edge on one side..i can still be open minded actually..its just the problems lately leave me no choice but to think about the past..and guilt comes out frm me..haiz..im so fed up.
when N and S first fought..that was a bad sign for me. and it happened right after you left..i felt as if..life was so empty..life had no meaning anymore..i relied on dev a tad too much..and once i let go of him..it became worst. i felt so alone. so lost..so left out..YT..so dramatic arent i? haha. i cant even laugh without sighing at the same time lately.
and..J and A fought too. haiz..i feel helpless not being able to help J. but i dont wana gt in between them la. after they claim i butt in. and K wif T...haiz..i gotta say..apart from N and S..these two are by far the least expected ppl i expected to have problems. i guess when you are close to a person..you know and trust that they got your back..whereelse you dont judge the people that you arent close to. so when dat close fren doesnt reach your expectations..you get more mad than usual.
j came to me yesterday..and said something a HIM..YT...my gawd..you know my heart aches so much whenever we have problems. i totally understand when he's in a bad mood he will be emotional and all. but i really cant stand in anymore la. i didnt mean to get between him n T.. but it feels like such a waste watchin two close friends fight. i mean..i noe hw it feels..cz last time me and std 6 fren jia hui..it was plain tortue. felt betrayed? maybe dats how he feels nw.
even if i am more open minded lately..i still cant get rid of some jealously dat i had. haiz.. he doesnt even sit in tuition with me those times. i guess i wasnt there for him enough. i dont show it much dont i. i didnt show i care about you too right YT? haha..people used to say..carissa...you're such a nice person.. i can be nice..but i never choose to show my mean side..thats why they tak feel anything. but..lately..its coming ouf by itself. im raising my voice so much. i noe i must stand up for myself..but..when i do..people say i changed.
its been two weeks YT..since we fought. how dumb am i to remind him of his probs? hahah. i suck. honestly..i dont wan it to continue any longer..but..i should give him time la. its just nightmares of fightin wif my std 6 fren affected me upsr..i dont wan tis to affect pmr. its like history repeating itself. im so sick of fighting with him you know? im so fed up. the explaining..im sure he's tired of me too.
you know i've been having so many flashbacks of times with him. haiz..in mimi's house. at the padang. and even texting each other when we are just next to one another. lol. i remember ruth once told me.."carissa..i admire you and .......... so much la..you guys so close and never have anythg wrong." when she told me that..i looked at him and realised..she's so right. lols. really..the day i ask him jadi me bro..haha.i remember=)
how i wish..i really could just..escape from all this drama YT? i need you..espcially times like this..i miss you the most. i feel guilt lately..everytime i look at a person i care about. different reasons each. and the new dude dat **** me..i feel so...close to him lately. well no one else ma. and for T..J told me i made it worst. and my hear really sank. you know how much it hurts? knowing..you made someone's prob more worst? and you're the blame? haiz. that guilt..its eating me alive YT!!! HIm HIm HIM!!! im crying so often again...but the tears mean nothing anymore..they fall for the same reason again n again...i even considered cutting myself YT..how dumb right? shyam n chui yin scolded me. but i guess..shahveenah did..so why cant i?
i wan a sweet dream...or a beautiful nightmare to fill my life again. i wanna feel reality with pride and smiles holding my head up high. but all i can do it mourn and drop down in tears when i cant stand it. i cant talk to anyone..at all ting...nobody gets me..even my bff..i dont wana trouble them. shaarmila ask me why i keep caring..and should stop thinking. but you know me. he means too much to me..you all do. and there was a line i learnt.." i rather feel hurt than feel nothing at all" i agree..i wanna noe..even though it hurts me so bad.
i really need to stop it. dev told me to chill and think about it. true..it gets better..but i keep thinking about it. i still dunno the real reason why he's mad. haiz..bt..i reli x blame him dy la...normally my wrong doin. YT...if i x cut myself..wat othr way can i release the pain? i feel as if cutting myself..it doesnt even hurt..as much as i hurt inside. tears drip pass my face..like rain everynight. i try not to think about it.. but i guess if my heart wants to think about it..i should just let it be..i cant force something i cant let go of. and one last time.. IM SORRY..to HIm.
look what am i doing? talking to myself? YT...if you read this..please..I MISS you..but please don't worry. im under good hands..of some people i truly trust. i hope you're doin fine? leave a comment if you're free. miss you. cal me. TTFN...:)
(walking in the rain..cause nobody knows im crying there..)
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